My story, trial separation for now, Part 4

[ovrrnbw]

I like that saying of LH's that Cwarrior quoted. Personally, I decided that I was not going to be the one to file in my sitch. I thought about it many times, mostly as a way to get her attention. Ultimately, I knew that I had been a very bad husband and that I repeatedly drove my wife away. I never once imagined she would go full WW, but that just shows my arrogance and I definitely reaped what I sowed.

Do you mind if I ask how you eventually came to peace with that?

I don't think I was an awful husband, but I've certainly come to grips with how my NGS severely affected things. I'm glad that I'm working on it and am making strides on it, but I still feel lots of guilt.

Yes. I simply acknowledge my mistakes and said this is the consequence of my choices. I promised for good and bad times and that my sitch was indeed a bad time. I had yelled at my W how vows only matter for the hard times. About a month later I realized that I should take my own advice. It was my pain, attachment, and emotion that kept from realizing this instantly.

I actually think it's your internal discourse that is doing the damage. Uncertainty is abound in life. Since this uncertainty isn't in your control, it's neither good nor bad.

I can buy this. As you can probably tell from my posts over the threads, I've never been able to do a good job of controlling the narrative of my own thoughts. Even now I struggle with the idea that I'm going to OK, that the best days are ahead of me. I know that's true, but it's hard for me to use that to shut out the present feelings. I guess that's got a lot to do with the above, and not being able to forgive myself.

Marcus Aurelius imagined 2,000 years ago how the earth would look from above. All the busy people running around doing all these insignificant little things. He used this thought to gain perspective, and I truly didn't tell the story very well. It's been a while since I picked the book up.

Did you promise her through good times and bad or was it until you grew apart type vows? Would keeping your promise be something you can be proud of and do you want to say "I fulfilled my promise"?

I have my vows saved somewhere on this computer, but I don't really want to pull them up because it'll hurt too much to read them. But I am 100% sure that I said that I'd be there for her, always, no matter what, and never give up. Again, I feel lots of shame for the actions that led to the S, but I can surely say that I did not give up.
[/quote]
I 100% get that. I won't go read my thread from the start b/c it seems like it would drag up those old memories like you are afraid of. My vows were Catholic vows. I can still recite them, being the good Catholic boy that I am. So then you can see how I applied my vows and took peace in them. You can honor your vows or you can say "this relationship is toast". I don't think you get to do both while keeping a clear conscious. Hopefully no one takes me for some holy roller either, I've made a ton of mistakes in my life.