Wayfarer, thank you for sharing that. I can see those little heartbreaks for me as well. This past weekend H spent the most time here with the boys (which means over two hours) since god knows when, when I came back he was cooking in the kitchen. I helped him a bit here and there, we made friendly small talk throughout. It was nice, and I almost wanted to give him a hug. Not a “I love you I want to reconcile” type of hug, but one of those hugs that are given when there’s either too much or nothing left to be said.
The following day he was here as well (I had prior engagements scheduled), and he brought boxes to pack and move out. So I pulled him aside and asked if he could talk to the kids about him packing and moving. Because I know that it would still be a big deal to them to physically see that happening, even though he has already not been living with us for months. I was hoping H would say something like “I will still be here for you, I’m not going anywhere far etc etc”. When I brought that up, H’s defensive side came out again and started blaming me for everything.
H: “I don’t see the point of me talking to them. You’ve already told them everything anyway.” (Again going back to everything that he accuses me of doing) Me: “I didn’t tell them about divorce. You did. Remember that day in the car? (I then described the chain of events from that day to him)” H: said something basically meaning I made it up. Didn’t happen that way. I: Okay. I don’t want to argue about this again. I was just suggesting you could say something to them, it’s ok if you don’t. H: blah blah blah “you were the one who told me to move out!!!”
Ugh. Lesson learned. He can do easy, non-threatening, logistic-related, surface conversations. But the minute I remotely try to get in there and discuss something of substance, the quills are up and ready to stick anyone getting close. I guess I have to scratch discussing the children’s mental health off the list of things we can talk about. Now he is the candy/junk food/fun times dad when he’s here with the kids. He was the one that ALWAYS complained about his parents giving the kids too much junk food.
Moving on.....
Cardinal- for me it’s more realizing that I should no longer love someone who is not willing to move heaven and earth for me. Therefore in the foreseeable future, I for sure will not love him as much as I did.
”Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready.”
