Thank you guys. It was really a shock and a swift kick in the guy. I just was not expecting that all. I was just expecting some ice cream with my D on a brutally hot day.

However, you guys are right. I got over the pain I felt yesterday pretty fast. I feel fine today. I think maybe it was the closure I was looking for. It’s over, it’s in the past and he was not the ONE. Sure, I miss his son and his family but I know I was never going to be a priority in his life and his life was always going to be way more important and harder in his mind . I was never going to be who I wanted to be with him. And that was someone who placed high value on me as I placed on him.

I really think I’m fully over it now.

As for trying something different. I feel like I’ve tried everything different . I’ve tried not caring. Not looking. And it’s not that I’ve just tried it, it was really where I was at. I’ve tried to get out more. I was exploring meetup groups, but now they don’t meet up anymore. There is a hiking one I was interested in and seems to have resumed, but I can barely walk and most likely need a procedure on my foot. My exercise gym time is gone. Hanging out much with my friends is gone. And when you do go out, you are in your private groups, there is no mingling anymore. This pandemic has made it way more difficult than it already was.

I’m trying to just accept
1) this is it. What I am looking for is not meant for me.
2) maybe my time isn’t until D12 graduates high school and I could high tail it out of here . I’ll be living a little more for me, only needing to work one job , etc.

There no way to meet people and I can’t even really see my friends. It’s sad.

I am open to any and all suggestions. It’s a catch 22. Everything is a catch 22. You want something badly, but you have to appear to not want it, but you can’t fake it, because apparently people read it. You want to not want it, but when it’s deep in your soul, it’s kind of impossible not to.

So then there just comes acceptance you can’t have it. And what to do from there. I’m grateful for the healthy child, the career and home. Sometimes you just want to share this life with someone. I just want to share my Life and accomplishments with someone. It’s lonely not to. I probably yearn for it more than others because I never really got the chance to.

But again. Accepting it’s not meant for me, or it’s not meant for me now and probably a long time is just something I’ve got to do.

D12 is leaving tomorrow for a long time. In the time she is gone, I got an 8 day stretch of work ( this has got to stop!) and the. She comes home. I’ve got 2 social plans this week I’m really looking forward to ( off Thursday and Friday) and a haircut which might be a drastic change. I need something to spice it up over here.

I’m trying. I’m really really trying. Maybe unexpectedly seeing them was what I needed to catapult me forward