I was happy to read your post this morning. Well, I’m happy to read your posts all the time.
This morning’s happiness was because of your self-doubt. This is a good thing! (Warning counterintuitive explanation come up)
We all doubt ourselves, especially at the beginning. Then we focus on us, start to see, the doubts lessen, and we move forward.
This round of self-doubting is different. This is proceeding a decision, a change, IMHO.
This is questioning your stance, your values, your beliefs. We challenge our beliefs to see if they will crumble. For what good are beliefs if they are not rock solid. They are beliefs after all.
You are “trying” to poke holes in your beliefs, in your explanation and narrative of life. This will lead to further strengthening and altering. Will bring up more hidden emotional issues, like SSM and your part in it. Work through it. Look, none of us are perfect! Believe me. However, XH was on his trajectory before you. Even though your feelings are questioning that.
Originally Posted by cardinal
I am increasingly doubting my perceptions, and I am doubting MLC. I am doubting the articles and people who say this is not about me, this is about him. I am doubting the behaviors that have to me seemed to be examples of self-medicating or MLC.
Yep. You bet. I did the same.
We rebel against this notion of MLC. Rebel against this explanation. Rebel against what is right in front of us. Why?
Any change goes through four stages. Six if you accurately include the maintenance stage, the good six months where the change or behaviour is maintained, and the termination stage which is where the change has become permanent so the end of the change journey.
Stages:
Precontemplation, the idea of wanting to change but no real plans to do so.
Contemplation, one is more seriously considering change and is open to feedback and information.
Preparation, one has a plan mostly organized, realizes the pros outweigh the cons, and is ready to take action. Has even taken some small steps.
Action, one has actually begun “doing” something different. Knowledge and self confidence grows. Those small steps make huge benefits in this stage. One’s momentum of change gets going. It is also here that feedback and support are critical. This is where so many questions arise.
Maintenance, is where one is actively pursuing their action for six months. Small missteps do not matter, it is the overall momentum forward that is key. It’s from this stage that relapse can happen. A variety of factors could derail someone - stress, not seeing forward progress, limited or no positive feedback or encouragement, and so on. Lapses and what stage they fall back into, depend on many factors and severity. An alcoholic having one drink would be a pretty big lapse. For most minor lapses one just enters action stage again, regains their confidence, gather encouragement, and renews their drive and momentum.
Termination (or adoption), is after a good time period of living this new and healthy change. After two years one is considered to have adopted or made permanent their change. The change process can be consider terminated. You are now living it, no long changing towards it.
Altering, strengthening, changing one’s beliefs is a pretty big thing. We are going to question it. We are going to challenge it. Which is questioning and challenging ourselves. (Hence the doubt)
And of course, people fight change, we rebel against it. We all push back a certain amount against the wisdom; it’s normal.
Most people in real life do not understand MLC. Never heard of it, or see it as the guy buying a shinny red Ferrari and getting a young buxom girl friend. Very few know the depth and darkness that is a mid life crisis. Even here in these forums there are many who question, dispel, or outright disbelieve MLC. It’s ok. What matters is what you believe.
MLC isn’t well studied and is devilishly hard to diagnose. And in my view usually is accompanied by other disorders, mental and/or personality issues. These are easier to see and therefore mask or hide the trauma lurking within. The person is in crisis, and lost within many many different change processes; such a tangled web. Lapsing, failing, running, etc... This is happening at mid life. They exhibit behaviour of a tumultuous troubled teen. If it sounds like a duck... well that’s for you to decide.
Which is where you are. A sort of crossroads. I’ve been here too.
Changing is a process. Changing one’s beliefs is a bigger process.
As I said, your questions are good news. Shows progress. Shows wisdom. You have sought and are seeking encouragement. I think you can see the lapse you have experienced. Stress and current events have played a part.
I encourage you to stay the path. Which, by the way, I fully would suspect you to do. You are that person after all. This is just questioning before another step along the path. Granted, this is a significant step/milestone.
Take your time. Ask and question all you want and need. When you are ready you will know.
Focus on you. Be that woman you want to be.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
