WAW - is it too late?

[Traveler]

Hi RVM,

Anyway, my W and I were having a really nice convo rehashing previous trips to this place. And, out of the blue, she mentioned that one of the hiking trail guide books was missing from the house. And, she said that I took it years ago and never returned it. And, I should put it back when we go back. I was flabbergasted at this accusation.. “No, I never took that. I’ve never taken anything from the house.” She was adamant that I did.. I held my stance. And, the convo ended and we just went on as normal.

You can hold your stance while showing understanding:

You: "Your recollection is that I took the guidebook. My recollection is that I did not."
Her: "You did take the guidebook!!"
You: "I guess we'll have to agree to disagree."

It really baffled me at the time. I’ve always respected personal property. I later chalked it up to spewing. But, it really pissed me off because one of my D’s heard the whole conversation. I don’t want to bring it up with my W again because it’s pointless. I’ll hold my stance if she or anyone else does.

It's worth reflecting on why this conversation was so distressing. It's a common conflict. You're modeling to D how she should behave when she disagrees with a friend (right or wrong) about what's happened.

Oh, and that trail guide book that I supposedly took years ago is here, on the bookshelf, in the exact location where one would expect it to be.

Cool. One of you was bound to be right.

I don’t plan to even bring it up either. There’s no point. She wouldn’t apologize anyway.

I would, not to gloat or be right, of course. "I know you were worried about their guidebook, so I set aside a few minutes to look for it. Good news! I found it on the bookshelf."

I still don’t have concrete proof of her A. But, I’d be a fool to believe one hadn’t or isn’t currently happening. The quarantine may have stifled the PA a bit. But, a cheater will find a way to get their fix. And, I’m guessing the odd trips to the grocery store a day after a grocery store trip was already made; or the extra-long early morning walks are opportunities to meet with OM.

You've accused your wife of an affair, and 10 months later you still don't know. Even if it's 90% certain, take your pain of being falsely accused of not returning a book, and now imagine her possible pain of being falsely accused of cheating. Any reason you haven't hired a PI by now to settle the matter?