Trying to Detach

[may22]

Regarding custody arrangements: it doesn't really matter what is best for you, or for your H and his OW, or what is more convenient, or fits in better with yours and his work schedules. It only matters what is better for your kids, and that might be an arrangement that evolves. It isn't something you can work out on the back of an envelope now.

I am just so not prepared for this, yet. I know you're right. I'm not ready.

These terms are very favorable towards you in terms of him paying 100% support and the kids staying with you every night. Once he finally detaches from you there's a good chance OW will convince him to re-negotiate. My GF also have VERY favorable child support terms. She built into the agreement that they get a little less favorable every 4 years. That reduces the urge of the ex-H to fight to improve them, which obvious he can, since he's facing four more years of pain instead of twenty.

Prepare for a highly favorable planned schedule being temporary. He may want to change the terms to 50% custody and 0% support or every other weekend custody and 75% support, he may ignore the terms on when and how to introduce the OW, and that daily hand-offs might become anxious events for your kids.

Yes. You're right. This is why, while I briefly flirted with the idea of moving towards D myself in order to secure more favorable terms for myself (seeing what was going on with Wooba, also), after much thought and knowing H as well as I do, I decided it was just a mirage and would never stick. He'll absolutely want to move to 50-50 even if the first round gets me what I want. The only thing that is potentially at risk is the house-- if we D a couple years down the line and he's bitter, he really loves this house. But I wouldn't cry about selling it if we had to. So preemptive filing no longer makes sense, for me, from this perspective.

KC, I hear you. I don't actually care if he thinks I'm a control freak once we split. Zero percent of what I do will be in any attempt to make him think one thing or another about me, unless I think it is important for the kids. I think this has all been a good exercise for me but I feel myself retreating back into the not wanting to D place because of it. I'm just not ready to embrace this future. If it comes, fine. I'll deal with it. I can't willingly go there right now given what it means-- and not just what is best for the children, but what it means in terms of the time I get with them and the control I have as a parent.

I have an acquaintance who Ded from her H maybe 5-6 years ago. I had drinks with her one night and she was talking about how her H was doing dumb, potentially dangerous things with their child-- not illegal, just stupid. I can't remember exactly what it was. She said if she had known how divorcing would have removed her voice in how her ex parented, she would not have done it. That she had totally underestimated how much they collaborated in parenting before and not having any say in what he did with their child when the kid was with the dad was excruciating and she felt dangerous. A year or so later, we were out for drinks with some other people and they showed up together and left together-- apparently they have gotten back together. That conversation always stuck with me and I've wondered how much that parenting factor led to their R.

Pommy... Pommy!! it is so good to hear from you. How are YOU?? We need an update, please!

I know you had a boundary around him blocking AP and deleting WhatsApp ahead of the trip, but is there anything else you want or need in order to go? (I have been trying to catch up daily but might have missed some posts). Are you wanting him to commit to the M before you agree to go? I’m just wondering what long term assurances you need before you can go - if any. Or is it simply a case of a month-long trip without her in the picture...but then what? In what capacity would you go on this trip? Mother? Wife? Friend/Co-parent?

I'm asking that he make a commitment to remove her from his life for good, or at least go into it with that intention. So not that he won't be in contact with her for this trip, but that his intention is to not be in contact with her for good. I'd prefer that he commits to the M before the trip but I don't think that is possible right now. I don't want to vacation together worrying that AP will reach out today or tomorrow or next month and throw another bomb. I think *he* wants to have a nice family vacation as a little test run, honestly, and I just think that is stupid and impossible while you keep one foot in the door for AP. I want that door shut firmly. He says he wants me to understand him and to be open and vulnerable with him, to not shut down and put up my boundaries or default to anger when we start talking about difficult things, but I told him that is simply not possible for me to do with AP waiting in the wings. It just won't happen. If he wants to really try to see if our R could be fixed, letting her go completely is a necessary step. if he can't do that, then we shouldn't bother.

I don't think it is realistic at this point for either of us to expect that just because she's gone that our R will work out. But there is just no point to pretending to even try to work on our M while she's hovering around in the background. I think if we go it will be more as friends/co-parents.

I came to realise that those nights without the children were time for me. Where is May’s time in this arrangement? Hiking with friends one weekend, dinner or night out with bestie, maybe one day a date, or perhaps simply watching a film that’s not age-appropriate for your kiddos, or an indulgent bath and early night in an empty house? I’m not suggesting that this is how you are, but I found looking beyond the pain of my H taking my children from me, there were ways I could make the time alone to be a gift. You need time to GAL, right? To get out there and meet potential partners. This might be so far off your radar right now , but whilst you’re at home with the children every night, you aren’t out meeting OM. I’m not suggesting this as a manipulation technique but equally it doesn’t harm for H to know you want time to get out make new friends.

Yes, I've thought of this, and I do love me some me time. That is part of why my proposal had him taking the kids Friday nights, so that I could do my own thing. And, writing in first right of refusal for watching the children, because I have work events other nights sometimes and would probably want to do other things other nights, and I know I could ask him to take the kids (either at my house or his) for those times. In my head, if AP was here and living with him, he'd either not take them to the house when he had them-- spend the time outside which is what he loves anyway-- or she would have to vamoose. And they couldn't spend the night there until enough time had gone by. I know this is all unrealistic but since I truly can't even tiptoe into picturing her with my children without wanting to rip heads off of chickens, I need to stay away from that place right now, and proposing these terms was where I wanted to start. And yes, I was not thinking of it like my conditions, more like the starting point for negotiations/discussions.

I have a new gin to try and will raise a G&T to you tonight, Pommy! Much love.