Finding and living compassionate indifference

[may22]

Cardinal, I'm wondering if you can take a bit of a break from thinking about your H and being compassionate yet disengaged from him and what that looks like and where he is and revisiting your perceptions of his behavior and what happens next... it is a lot, a LOT, and I feel like you're getting pulled along in his wake right now and we need to figure out how to detach. I think it was BlueSea's thread where she talked about feeling like she was in a car going 100 mph and knew it was going to crash and someone said... you know what you have to do, right? GET OUT OF THE CAR.

Your sitch seems more slow motion, maybe like a boat and the water is deceptively calm but you're wondering what is under there. How do you build yourself your own boat with your own sails so you can get where you need to go under your own control? I know it is a process to go through and you won't get there any sooner than you can, so take the time that you need. But. How can we get your force field back?

On the SSM... I'm imploring you to forgive yourself for this. You did the best you could with the tools you had at the time. And there is no going back, anyway. I know know know how you feel about this and I'm trying not to go back there too, especially now when things are coming to a head and H is saying over and over and over it it wasn't for the SSM this never would have happened. But. His A is not my fault and your H's MLC is not your fault.

And... in terms of revisiting or doubting your perceptions of his behavior, is it MLC or not... these labels don't really matter. No diagnosis is going to spit out the perfect combination of do XYZ and he'll come out of it next month or year or whatever. He's not acting like your H. Even if he hasn't been spitting vitriol every day, he has the capacity and you know that. You've been tiptoeing around him in your own house for months while he blasts his records and smokes weed and talks on the phone loudly to his new "friends" and generally just acts like a spoiled teenager. Eew. You don't want or need that in your life. What are all the positives you envision in your life with H out of the picture? Like for me, I will get a puppy, I get a ton more space in the house with all his $hit out of here, I make decisions on my own without needing to confer or compromise. Vacation where I want to vacation, watch only TV I want to watch, sleep in without guilt. That's just off the top of my head. What about you?

(((Cardinal))) you can do this. The parent red-headed cardinals brought their new baby by yesterday afternoon. That sucker is LOUD! It is hilarious because it looks bigger than the parents, so fluffy, yet can't get its own birdseed so squawks until mom or dad brings it something and puts it right in its mouth. Can you be the baby cardinal for a minute? What do YOU want? I guarantee that baby is not thinking about anyone else or what they might think or what they thought in the past or will do in the future. You deserve to focus 100% on you for a while.