Trying to Detach

[may22]

Hi Scout and Ginger,

This is so helpful to be able to walk through this with other people. Here's where I'm coming from:

H has said for months now that if we S/D, what he wants is for me to stay in the house with the girls. This is their home and he doesn't want that to change. He thinks the stress of going back and forth would be too much. His original idea was that he'd pay half the mortgage and half the bills, would get to keep all his cr@p in the basement (tools, surfboards, etc), have a key, stay half owner of the house, girls would live with me here full time, he'd pick them up from school (he can be done working much earlier than me), take them to soccer or whatever, and we'd have dinner together most nights as a family then he'd go home to OW. He'd still mow the lawn, take care of the house and take care of me.

I have consistently said no, this would never ever work.

He maintains he needs to see the children every day. Being a father is a major part of his identity and he doesn't want to go a day without seeing them. Also, his ideal would be that he and AP would live next door. he has said that even a 20 minute drive is too far away from them. He wants to be around the corner.

On my end, having the children sleep here and waking up with them is really important to me. We have a ritual where every weekend morning (and right now every single morning because of COVID) the girls come snuggle with me in bed and we chat and cuddle for awhile. H sometimes joins in, but he's a morning person and is usually already off working or surfing. It is our thing and I love love love it. I had told H early on, before I even knew about AP but knew he was unhappy, ILYB etc., that one of my biggest fears in being Ded was waking up to an empty house.

Also, in my state, child support depends on how many nights they sleep at your house-- so a 50/50 arrangement where they sleep half the nights at mom's and half the nights at dad's means there is no child support, unless one party makes more money than the other, in which case there is some amount based on the discrepancy that goes to the lower earning party (the idea being that they don't want the kids to live in a mansion with one parent and a $hithole with the other). I was worried, for awhile, that I might have to pay HIM because of this but this year we're actually making about the same amount of money. I looked into child support because I don't want him on the deed or the mortgage and I don't trust that he'd just "give" me half the mortgage plus bills... also, the calculated child support amount is significantly more than half the mortgage. I also don't think he has looked at any of this at all. I can't afford this mortgage without child support or I suppose major lifestyle changes.

Of the Ded families I know well enough to know their schedule-- my neighbor does 4/3/3/4, the friend with the super high conflict D splits the week and does every other weekend, the friend with the surface idyllic co-parenting has the daughter sleep with her every night, but she works really long hours and so drops the daughter off at the dad's (he lives down the hill from her) on her way into work, he walks her to school and picks her up after, and the mom grabs her from his house after work. They switch off weekends. And my final friends who used to have dinners and vacation together for the past five years-- until he met someone else, promptly got her pregnant, and she hates the exW (loooong story)-- the dad has primary custody and the mom has the kid one night during the week and every other weekend, though the mom might have more time now that the dad has a new baby and the new GF doesn't really like the older son or want him around much.

Yes, Scout, I absolutely want to keep them away from OW. I have written into the agreement (not that he has seen it yet LOL but I did it for me to be prepared) that either of us would need to see someone for a year post-separation to introduce them to the children and two years before sleeping over at the house in front of them. I don't know if he'd go for that. I've told him that I don't want her part of their lives and I don't want them ever to meet her. Obviously that would be ridiculous but I figured I'd put something out there to start negotiating from. And, I really think it isn't good for the children to have a parade of "friends" going through their lives.

Anyway, that is pretty much where this all came from-- started with him, I decided I'd be fine with the after school pick up till 5:30 since I'd usually be working then anyway so it would be extra time, basically, that we used to not have them, and it wouldn't cut into my regular time with them every day. He wants to take them on hikes and adventures anyway so he could have that time to do that kind of thing-- that is his heaven. I could pick them up (with my sunglasses on :)) or he could drop them off, I'm not imagining the need for face to face contact on a daily basis. I had originally proposed to him verbally with this that he could take them for one full weekend day and he'd said he imagined they'd stay Friday nights with him, so I penciled that all out and I think if he drops them back with me on Saturday at 5:30 pm we each get 17 waking hours over the weekend.