Finding and living compassionate indifference

[cardinal]

Kind, thank you for sharing your experience here too. I can certainly understand the desire to reason, argue, and talk with your spouse! Especially because the logic on their side seems to change so suddenly. Even though I have mostly resisted giving in to this desire over the past year, nothing has changed, so it really doesn't seem to matter what we do. How many times have I read it is their journey, and we can't influence it? I think I still had expectations that if I did everything mostly "right," it would at least diffuse the anger and blame.

It might not be possible to see things clearly while you are early in this journey and living with the MLCer. I couldn't. [...] So let me give you a potentially surprising piece of advice -- don't try to understand anything. Just trust us as witnesses.

Oh, Gerda, this helps. It made me realize I do think that I'm somewhat trying and failing all the time, and it is a little bit of a consolation to hear that maybe it is just not possible. Maybe I should just accept that for now. And I do trust you all here, and I am so constantly blown away by the compassion shown by strangers. Although you do feel like friends. Sometimes I think, wow, I can't even send all of you a thank you card. I can never thank you enough. But you have been similarly supported here on your journey, so I know you, and everyone who posts, really understands what a gift it is to have the compassionate witnesses here to help guide you.

But in front of him, imagine we are behind you shouting into your ear, "JUST SAY, 'I'M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY,' AND WALK OUT OF THE ROOM CHEERFULLY AND GO FOR A WALK."

I will absolutely start picturing you all here so that I can say this. I do fear my concentration and composure may lapse and some point, and I will say one of the many angry things I've said in my head.

With indifference you don’t get dragged into this emotion. You can care about H, while not being affected by his behaviour. In actuality it is you that is affecting you - H doesn’t have that much power. You gave it to him. Take it back.

You know one reason I think I am giving him more and more power? I am increasingly doubting my perceptions, and I am doubting MLC. I am doubting the articles and people who say this is not about me, this is about him. I am doubting the behaviors that have to me seemed to be examples of self-medicating or MLC. Even finding OW now (or however long it's actually been going on--I suspect whoever she is, they've been friends in the past year) seems like it could be another form of self-medicating. I tell myself this, and I tell myself his behavior is not about me, that his anger is directed at me but I didn't cause it, but I don't fully trust my own perceptions or logic. I have been thinking if we had had a close-to-perfect M, then I would be able to believe this isn't about me. Instead I am still struggling not to shoulder all responsibility for the SSM, or for not realizing how unhappy he was underneath. And I think, what if he was truly unhappy all because of the SSM? What if his unhappiness does stem from me? How could he not be happier with OW and sex?

I was thinking back to the post-Thanksgiving blow-up. It was the first time I'd witnessed him spewing since BD, and I had been being nothing but kind and giving him space. I only scheduled the time to talk with him because he'd said he was moving forward with filing the week before and that he envisioned us working on an agreement on our own. He said we could talk more about it any time. He was so calm and almost like his old self when he said that. So I asked if we could talk at X time about how he saw us proceeding toward agreement. And then when X time came, before I could say anything, he just started yelling about how he didn't have time for this, he had new friends who appreciated him, he'd always done what I wanted him to do, he's not selfish but he has to look after himself now... blah blah blah. And I wasn't upset! I was calm. I said I'm sorry you feel that way. I almost felt vindicated, because it seemed to me a textbook example of MLC behavior. I was confident that this was not about me; it was about him. He'd just helped cement that for me.

So where did that confidence go? I think maybe it partly got worn down by the expectations I mention above--that if I continued to stay calm and disengaged after that, he would see that I wasn't the sole cause of his unhappiness. Maybe continuing to live with him eroded my confidence. To see, during his birthday spewing, that he was not only still angry but did not view me as an equal--that was a low I didn't see coming.