I know reconciliation isn't the goal, I know all of this is for me, but I do admit I have some anxiety about H getting more angry at me, more ugly, because that would seem to affect chances for R down the road (even though I can't know how I'd feel about that if it happened). Seem to effect being key, yes? Because 1) I am not responsible for how H decides to react, so I shouldn't worry about that; and 2) it does seem that this in itself is not a barrier to R. It's more just a reflection of MLC/WAS inner turmoil and not a reflection of me or, as he would have it, as proof of why our M never worked.
Let me know if my reasoning is off.
Your reasons is good and sound. And I don’t mean just for the above paragraph. You are doing very good everywhere.
The anxiety that stirs up from the worry that H will get more angry and ugly is real. It’s ok.
Worry is like praying for something you don’t want. Let that go.
Indifference is key. Compassionate indifference.
With indifference you don’t get dragged into this emotion. You can care about H, while not being affected by his behaviour. In actuality it is you that is affecting you - H doesn’t have that much power. You gave it to him. Take it back.
Indifference allows compassion without you getting dragged down.
Originally Posted by Kind18
I also was quick to defend myself. I would also ruminate for days after an interaction questioning what I should have done differently, if it was all my fault, and how I was going to be punished.
I like what Kind said about this. (Hello kind)
We do blame ourselves. We take in the fault and then fear, and expect punishment; like it is somehow warranted or ordained. And, we unwittingly and unknowingly fulfill that irrational need for self punishment.
I also like what Gerda posted. (Looking back I probably did do things efficiently. )
Originally Posted by Gerda
But the problem was that I didn't trust the people on these boards. I thought I was different, and I thought my MLCer was different.
Trust is a difficult commodity to regain after such a betrayal as we all have suffered.
That is one thing, I did throw myself into this wholeheartedly. I put an incredible amount of faith and trust in the people here and their hard earned wisdom. That’s not following along blindly, it is however taking quite a bit on faith.
Originally Posted by cardinal
I was also just reading some of Grace's older threads and admiring how calm and confident she was when she was interviewing lawyers and making an initial offer to her H, and of course he said it was completely unreasonable. With time and work, I would like to (no "try to" here!) navigate the next stage like this. With fierce compassion, equanimity, integrity.
Yes, Grace’s journey is a good one as well. Calm and confident. It looks good on a person.
Do navigate the next stage with fierce compassion, equanimity, and integrity. Glad to see you’re not trying. Your doing!
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
