Finding and living compassionate indifference

[Rita]

It might not be possible to see things clearly while you are early in this journey and living with the MLCer. I couldn't.

But the problem was that I didn't trust the people on these boards. I thought I was different, and I thought my MLCer was different.

So let me give you a potentially surprising piece of advice -- don't try to understand anything. Just trust us as witnesses. Think of it as an experiment. We have no reason to lie to you and for whatever reason we are driven to try to prevent you from making the same mistakes. Really if you think about it, why do any of us care if a stranger goes through the pain we already went through, or makes the mistakes we made? Compassion is driving us, the opposite of the MLCer's narcissism.

Try to make a list of things you've been told to do here. A very simple list -- e.g., "No matter what H says, say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Don't go through all the ways you have to change your response. Just have whatever response you want,on the inside or later, when H can't see you screaming into a pillow or a forest. But in front of him, imagine we are behind you shouting into your ear, "JUST SAY, 'I'M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY,' AND WALK OUT OF THE ROOM CHEERFULLY AND GO FOR A WALK."

I think you are trying to fix yourself. You can't do that right now. Get him out of the house and you might be able to start. Right now just trust the old folks and do what we say. DnJ did everything right probably. But I didn't. Took me seven years. Now I get it.