I also was quick to defend myself. I would also ruminate for days after an interaction questioning what I should have done differently, if it was all my fault, and how I was going to be punished.
Please be aware that your spouse plays on this. They don’t necessarily do this consciously so it isn’t deliberately being used to hurt you. But it is a dangerous dynamic in a lot of relationships which end up here.
You just need to stay strong, stable and compassionate. I think the crux of your issue is your spouse running from responsibility. So many MLCers are driven by this. IMHO, it is the deep-seated, underlying cause of these people in MLC who treat their loved ones despicably. But as DNJ says, separate the person from the behaviour.
My biggest mistake was spending three years trying to talk, reason, argue, and get MC in the hope that my wife would start to be an adult and own her choices, behaviour and outcomes of these.
It was all a waste of time. The only way someone really learns something is if they learn it for themselves.
Quote
because his default is blame and no matter what he's just not capable of taking any responsibility.
Bingo. This is the problem. This might change one day... but you haven’t and can’t do anything to make that happen.
