Trying to Detach

[wayfarer]

Honestly, WF, I think you're just a better person than me. I can't see myself ever getting there.

Hahahaha, I doubt that highly. You just aren't there with H yet. And my exH didn't try to leave me for another woman. He was far too busy with booze and pills. It's easier to forgive an addiction that isn't a person. AODA issues don't feel personal when you've had enough Al-anon or therapy. It takes years and years to accept that an addiction to another person isn't personal. And in your case a younger version of you...my god. (Oh hey btw Becky with the good hair, looks exactly like me but browner, dresses the same, same glasses. So clearly these guys have types.) You have a lot of justified rage. But I promise there will come a day when you are grateful that he was the one to give you those beautiful babies if absolutely nothing else.

Agreed. But our house is not toxic right now. I know it to my bones. I see it could get toxic because I think it has been in the past, and the girls are older now too and will pick up on a lot more of that than they did before. But today, I stand by the environment I'm giving them, today, as a mom is a good one.

You are a good one. And you'll see it happening. You're self aware. I have no doubt about that. I just worry how long you'll hold the line for out of spite or sheer determination. I know you are just as stubborn as I am, and I just wanted to make sure you can see how quickly your unaddressed rage and resentment and H's just all out delusions of grandeur and fence sitting can turn your quiet home into a uncomfortably silent home.

Knowing my girls, I think they are going to take this very, very badly. In different ways. I think my older daughter will be very angry, probably at both of us. I see her angry at her dad for leaving and angry at her mom for "making" him leave (even if I don't, but because I was mean to him or whatever she'll come up with as to why he had to choose to go.) The younger internalizes things and is incredibly sensitive emotionally. If one of us yells at her about something I'll often find her later, sobbing as if her heart is broken, saying she's a bad girl, this is all her fault, daddy or mommy (whoever yelled) doesn't love her. I know I need to get over this and I can get them therapists and all the rest. I just don't *see* that yet, that they will be fine. And so since I'm their mom and I can't see that yet, I don't see how I can authentically parent them through this and lie to them and myself about what I see in front of us. I will keep working at getting to a place where I see them better off with us apart, and then I think I can go full bore. But I can't do that until I get to that place (or until the decision is taken out of my hands, I guess-- in which case I can take the hand I'm dealt and do the very best I can).

You can't see it because you keep hearing from those of us who've seen people on the other side way on the other side. But like wooba said, they will have very big feelings over all of this. D17 did. She was very mad we couldn't work it out. She was pissed when I started dating. She was more pissed when we started doing things as a family with D16 and H. She was really, really pissed when exH started dating the lovely girl because he met her on Tinder and D17 found that disgusting and unsafe, and I just laughed at her and called her judgey. Then he blew up that relationship and tried to force the new winner of a gf on D17 and she was pissed yet again. This isn't smooth sailing. None of this stuff is. And even in the someday version of "everything will be ok" that is only a half truth. Things are ok eventually but not perpetually so. Life isn't static. Whether you and H work this out or not things are going to be hard on the girls. They are getting older. They are going to pick up when things are tense, and let say you work it out and go through years of therapy and marriage retreats and the whole 9 they are old enough to remember this and will look back on this time at some point and go "well sh!t so their marriage was falling apart." If you can't work it out and you separate and D it's the same things. They have to process those feelings multiple times. It's a life event. The way D17 sees our split now isn't the way she saw it at 9/10. It's an ongoing process. As much as you like to my dear, you can't stop your children from experiencing pain or blaming you for it. The only thing you can do is support them the best you can on sad days. And on the angry, love them enough for the both of you. That's it. And honestly you do know your girls better than anyone, but you can't, can't, can't know how they will handle S/D. Mother's are gifted with a lot of things, but predicting a reaction to a crisis isn't one of them.

I feel like maybe I'm not that great of a mom when I read this, and I think about H telling me I'm the one being selfish if I can't put them above my own feelings if we split. Maybe he's right. I can't. I can't see being the bigger person right now. I am angry and spiteful and want to use every weapon in my arsenal (besides them) to hurt him, if we go down that path. Maybe I'm afraid more of myself and who I am afraid I'll become than anything else.

I know if and when the time comes you'll do the right thing. That being said, if you don't adequately address that rage I've been telling you about you will not put their feelings above you're own. You won't be the bigger person. You will help to drag out the S/D for years to "win." You are a great mom. And you would never intentionally use your children as pawns but if you don't get the spiteful side in check before you move forward in one direction or another it may happen inadvertently. You need to find an outlet for this anger and you need to dump. The anger your feeling can not be meditated away. It needs to be confronted head on. And whether you scream into a canyon alone or buy a punching bag or find a rage room it needs to be dealt with. You need "You Oughta Know" on loud as h3ll and you need to work this out, because you deserve it. Because H deserves all this rage. AP deserves all this rage. But you're never going to get clear headed enough to detach appropriately if you don't confront that Hulk version of May you've been pushing down for IMO way too long.

I'm at a place right now where I feel I know I'll be OK if we split. Maybe better off. I'm not yet to the place where I think they'll be better off.

And I did not sign up to parent them half time. I want them full time. They are my kids and I want them with me. So if he was willing to run off into the sunset and do as he's saying he'll do right now (but which I don't actually believe), that they could stay here six of seven nights a week... then OK. But if he gets to go be an entitled @ss AND take away my children from me half of the nights a week? F HIM AND THE HORSE HE CAME IN ON. I am very angry about this idea and I don't don't don't want it. So that is a big thing for me too.

No one wants this. But statistics have show time and time again that 50/50 is what's best. You have to stop seeing it as H taking your kids away from you and looking at it as what is judiciously and statistically appropriate. 50/50 isn't about H and you. 50/50 is about the girls. It's that simple. And it is hard. And scary at first God it's so, so hard. And they are still young and so enjoyable. But in the year or two it would take to sort the whole S/D out they will be less young and I can tell you from experience less enjoyable. No matter what you miss them when they are gone. I cry every time D17 leaves. H worries immensely when D16 is by her bio mom. Constantly checking in. It isn't easy and I won't paint it as such. But that time, as long as there aren't any emergencies, becomes your time. And that is one of the great advantages to being in two households vs one. You have built in time that is just yours that you can do with as you please. You can sleep, you can read, you can watch movies they'd hate or aren't appropriate. When you're ready you can use that time to date. You can work extra hours on your off weeks so you can work a little less on the weeks you do have them so can make the most of your time with them. You can do extra work outs. Extra therapy. Extra meditating. Extra anything that's you time. You're children are not ripped away from you with split placement and custody. You are given time to GAL so when you do have them you can just focus on them. For a lot of us who carried the burden with household workload and parenting joint placement and custody was a god send. It honestly was the first time in years, I was able to do things for myself. Or get a drink after work. Sleep in undisturbed. As she's gotten older her leaving to go by exH and now just out since exH and her don't really do visits any more it's nice for her to just not be here or in my space. I love her. But my god. There's only so much teenage girl one person can take before they just resort to day drinking on a Tuesday. So much of this ugly stuff is how you frame it. Some times when you're swirling in the negative aspects of things you need to take a step back and look at what positives things can be brought with the same change.

I think awhile back Sage asked me if I could get to a place where I DGAF which path my H chose... I think I'm close to there. Scout asked what percentage of me wanted him to stay vs. go. I'm at say 55-45 right now. I want to get to 50-50.

Honey I honestly think you're already there.