Okay, bear with me, because I know I am internalizing all of this slowly! I woke up thinking about what H said in his short I'm filing speech. Once I have some distance from these interactions, I can look at them in a way that is less influenced by the immediate feelings they summon in me. D, I know you said he was clearly projecting, clearly looking for me to get angry. I wish I were better at seeing and understanding all of this in the moment, when H is speaking. But in real time, it's like I'm still sucked in by the fact that this person looks like H but isn't him.
Anyway, so when he said I hadn't been communicating with him and that it seems like I'm afraid to ask him for anything, in the moment my mind jumped to taking what he said at face value and doubting myself--should I have been communicating in a different way? Did I do something wrong? I remember my doubt was also mixed with sharp anger and the feeling that I had done nothing wrong. I think the questioning is partly because I am now more apt to recognize defensiveness in myself than before BD, so I'm more apt to want to question my anger and whether or not I am actually at fault. I think this is a good thing, but maybe a bit dangerous in my interactions with H right now, because his default is blame and no matter what he's just not capable of taking any responsibility.
But today I thought, well, it's weird that he brought up communication out of nowhere and also not asking him for things. It came out like he was exposing something I'd been doing wrong, but if I think of it instead as something he was projecting, then it seems like he expected me to do all the work of communicating and D, or he was actually mad that I had stopped trying to start friendly conversations with him like I used to do in the fall. Maybe he was also upset that I don't rely on him for much of anything anymore--I never ask him for anything, because I know I can do it myself. He wants me to be dependent on him. It is easier for him to think of himself as a good guy when I am asking and he is giving, even if begrudgingly. The point is that whatever his logic was in bringing these things into the convo, he only knows how to frame it as a way to blame me for the failure of the M, and to justify that we could never work.
I know it's useless to try to figure out what he's thinking, but I did this as an exercise in reminding myself that his logic is warped, and it will be for the indefinite future. I need to be able to recognize when he's projecting and blaming and separate this from my tendency to assume blame or from my desire to argue and make him see it isn't true. I need to be able to recognize his projections in the moment so that I remain calm inwardly as well as outwardly and can say, I'm sorry you feel that way, and not default to frantically analyzing and questioning my past behavior or needing to defend it.
I recognize that if H does balk at whatever conditions I end up having for an agreement, he may accuse me of being demanding or trying to punish him, but really these are just financial realities of D and everything that follows now is a natural consequence of his decision to D. These are not consequences imposed by me, but flow from his decisions, which he is free to make.
And I know reconciliation isn't the goal, I know all of this is for me, but I do admit I have some anxiety about H getting more angry at me, more ugly, because that would seem to affect chances for R down the road (even though I can't know how I'd feel about that if it happened). Seem to effect being key, yes? Because 1) I am not responsible for how H decides to react, so I shouldn't worry about that; and 2) it does seem that this in itself is not a barrier to R. It's more just a reflection of MLC/WAS inner turmoil and not a reflection of me or, as he would have it, as proof of why our M never worked.
Let me know if my reasoning is off. I know I can come here for more objective views of our interactions when I am having trouble being objective, and that is invaluable. I was also just reading some of Grace's older threads and admiring how calm and confident she was when she was interviewing lawyers and making an initial offer to her H, and of course he said it was completely unreasonable. With time and work, I would like to (no "try to" here!) navigate the next stage like this. With fierce compassion, equanimity, integrity.
Originally Posted by DnJ
I do get you want H to be happy and you wanting H’s relationship to fail. You can do both.
I do want XW’s relationship to explode and her to suffer and awaken to all that she did and the damage she caused. However, if, and I really mean this, if she cannot awaken I hope her and OM have a long and happy life together.
Oh, man. I'm glad to hear I can do both. I'll have to have faith that someday I can say and mean that if he can't awaken, I hope he has a long and happy life with whoever else he is with. That I will be able to fully forgive for me. This morning I interacted with him in a neighborly manner and felt better than I did yesterday. But then I remembered he is in a new R, and a huge wave of all the feelings hit me so hard.
I'll have to have faith that someday I can say and mean that if he can't awaken, I hope he has a long and happy life with whoever else he is with. That I will be able to fully forgive for me. This morning I interacted with him in a neighborly manner and felt better than I did yesterday. But then I remembered he is in a new R, and a huge wave of all the feelings hit me so hard.