May - Yes - he can be thoroughly ridiculous. It doesn't throw me like it use to. He hears something he doesn't like and then reacts with the most outrageous things. I think he believes what he says when he says it. To him, it makes ABSOLUTE sense that he can get his mum to babysit and not inform me and that when I try and do the same thing, it is somehow "wrong". He frames things in his head so they make sense to him. After wards, maybe he thinks about it. I don't know. I suspect his ego still wouldn't let him see how controlling and manipulative he is being. It's the same with the house. He won't tell me when he is coming over here 'because' it is his house. He back tracked this time because I called him out on it. He didn't apologies - just a simple "I will let you know when they are staying with MY mum" (capitals added by me). He says that he leaves them with his mum because "they want to stay with her" (true) and nothing to do with him wanting to go out (not true). Anyway, it doesn't throw me anymore.
Yes, it was good to speak to mum. There is a lot of work to be done there. She is scared to contact me so I will reach out this weekend. She did message me over the week to tell me my grandmother had did. I did not know her well and had only really met her a handful of times. I know that she was estranged from my mum for many many years and it is only recently that they got back in touch. I cried a little. Not for my grandmother, who I barely knew, but for my mum, and also because, and this one is weird, it is one less person out there that loves me (and I know how self centered that sounds).
I spoke to D10 about the GF. I just said "I know about her and I am OK with it. If there is anything you want to talk about then you can. I don't want you to feel you have to hide anything from me". She smiled and said "I know" and then skipped off to play with her toys. I have not had a conversation with D13 though. I just don't know how to broach it. I don't think we are there yet.
I did mention to both of them that my grandmother had did. I told D10 before she went to sleep and she replied "Oh, that's sad" and gave me a hug. I told D13 in the morning (soon after I heard), said "Oh" and then looked away. I think it was all too much for me and I said I needed to go and lie down for a bit. She just kept her head down.
She did tell her dad, and he said (2 days later) "D13 told me about your grandmother. I'm sorry". I just said "I'm fine" and then kept folding clothes. He said "well, if you're going to be like that, I won't say anything next time", to which I replied "Ok". I know the reaction was wrong. But all I could think was how he reacted when my father died (which was a shrug o the shoulders) and I didn't want to break down in front of him.
Dilly - I had a regression hypnosis session today (via skype) and we addressed some of my abandonment issues. Not him leaving me (i don't think I felt abondoned), but the feeling I had the first time he took the kids away on holidays without me. I had forgotten how much that hurt. I sat on the steps in our hall whilst he put their suitcases in the car. He looked at me and said something about how miserable I looked "you don't get excited about anything". So I put on a on a smile, hugged the girls, said have a "great time" and waved them goodbye as they drove off. And then, I went upstairs, curled myself into the fetal position, and cried. Each time has been easier. But the pain is still there. I need to deal with that.
Strangely, I did not tell my mum I am separated. I spoke to her about the girls, about how they are doing at school, about the sports they play etc. But I did not mention the separation or D13 not speaking to me. Definitely still have some walls up. Maybe time and forcing myself to speak to her will bring them down.
Yes, my main friends (locally) are mums. Up until the break up these friendships were at best school gate friendships. Superficial conversations about holidays we or they were going to/had been on and how the children were getting on. Some have become proper friends since - a lot of women are in similar boats to me. Long nights with wine laughing or crying on each others shoulders. But you are right, even with these women, it is hard to find time for each other. Children, lives, exes (and for some, new boyfriends) make it difficult. I don't want to burden them and they don't want to burden me. Luckily I seem to be quite a 'catch' on the dating app I am on. So I am engaged in a lot of random conversations. It's nice but tbh, a little tedious and, for some reason, after a few messages exchanged, they always want to start talking about sex (which, not being a prude, I think should be discussed after you've actually had sex), or they want to meet straightaway, and when you meet them, they just seem 'desperate' for a partner. I don't know, maybe I'm doing it wrong.
Yail - I have a week in Croatia (the Dalmation coast) booked on my own and a week in Ibiza with the girls. I booked the Croatian one the other day because I realised that 2 weeks without my kids (they are going away for a week with him and then a week with my inlaws) was too long to spend locked down on my own.
