I'm just here to let you know I'm always checking in. I don't have much to say right now. You're in a precarious place. Being done, but still feeling heart broken is a weird space. You are grieving all that could've been vs actual loss. And it's totally ok to be fine one minute, FU the next and immediately following a sobbing mess. But I think we both know what you're heart and head has decided here. He will do things for the rest of the kids' lives that will break you a little bit. Soften you a little bit. Steel you a little bit. The problem that isn't spoken enough around here isn't an inability to detach. It's reconciling knowing you can't love some one any more with knowing how much you used to love them. Every once in a while D17's dad will pop up and want to chat and he brings up and inside joke or a memory from when D17 was small. And all that was, is there for just two seconds and my heart breaks a little that my baby couldn't have these parents 24/7. She got the screaming, crying, ripping doors off the hinge,s holes punched in walls, messy, young parents who were sooooo horrible for each other. When D17 does something that gets recognition or a milestone he takes my hand and whispers in my ear, you did that. And every time I have to fight back the tears. I'd never, never in a million years would take that man back or wish I hadn't left, but in those few and far between moments I feel joy, and pain, and the love I have for him as the father of my child. You are welcome to all of your feelings my dear. Even ones that don't pass quickly, and as you go forward here some might not. Thinking of you often xoxoxoxoxo
