Piecing Myself and Not My Marriage

[may22]

Hi Alison,

I know I read too much on all this stuff but I've read over and over that trying to work through infidelity without a really good MC is nearly impossible, that it is like doing brain surgery as a layperson. I imagine that for you, the EA was a part of it but the repetitive, ongoing betrayal in his actions and words towards you both before and after the EA is even harder to address than the EA. I wonder if once the EA happened, it allowed you to take your unexpressed anger and resentment over his treatment of you and push it through the justified anger channel of the EA? Then your behaviors and the dynamic between the two of you between the BD of the EA and him moving out was partially the EA but maybe mostly everything else? I think I mentioned on my own thread reading the Gottman book about trust, and betrayal can happen in so many ways. I think his behaviors towards you-- the meanness, tantrums, belittling, weird mimicking-- constitute betrayal in a major way, since the person who you signed up to be your partner should have your back, not knock you down.

Anyway, I just wanted to say I agree that piecing (should any of us ever really get there) is complicated and probably really, really difficult to navigate without a skilled therapist. I imagine you have to work through so many difficult things both alone and together. And your H not even willing to continue with an IC is a big hurdle. My H just came to talk to me and said, if I stay, I feel like I'll be both having to deal with the regret/loss/wondering of what might have been with AP, but even more, I'll have to deal with my own behavior, what i did, what it means, who I am, how I feel, how to recapture my own identity in all of this. I don't know if I can do that. You forgiving me is going to be hard enough. Me forgiving myself-- I don't even know how to go about tackling this part. I was saved from responding by D8 coming in the room. But at least he has an inkling of a portion of the work of staying together... whether he is willing to do it or not, or even wants that, is another question. For you and your H, I don't know that your H has ever really grappled either with what it means to have a healthy R with you, how to deal with his own issues and insecurities in a healthy way without dumping everything onto you. I'm glad he has been helpful and kind and I think this week apart is going to be so fabulous for you.

xoxo M