Ah, may, I identify with your anger and spitefulness right now! Ducks. I am over on MLC always trying to be the bigger, more evolved person I want to be, but right at this moment I just want to give in to anger, as you know. I have followed along as you and Wayfarer and others have been able to separate themselves from AP, and I feel like I have many good models in all of you. I understand it all intellectually, but as I read through your story about your neighbors' D, and the wife announcing and then immediately heading out nights, I got angry again. That is my H. It is also the not trying I haven't come to terms with.
Originally Posted by may22
If I never had to see him again, if there wasn't all the complications of the children and how this would affect them and knowing he is going to be a part of my life forever no matter what... the thought of walking away and never seeing him again (even though it is impossible) is so freeing. There would be pain but it would be like the Queen of Dragons walking through fire and emerging unscathed and stronger than ever on the other side. Maybe I can imagine my girls like tiny dragons who will get stronger through the fire.
What a gorgeous, fierce image! I can tell you, though I don't know how I would honestly feel if I did have kids (though I imagine it would be pretty much as you do, with this whole other white hot dimension of anger), I don't feel this sense of freedom without them either. If I was younger, like 30, I think I might. Instead, I tend to feel in my worst moments like the past seventeen years were kind of a waste. I'm sure I should be looking at it like, at least I didn't make a kid with this person, but instead I think at least then something beautiful would have come out of the M. Something beautiful impossible to doubt or deny or rewrite. I wasn't sure I wanted kids, though in later years I think I started to but on some half-aware level doubted H would be able to compromise and do things adults need to do to parent a child, or I'd think about the way he'd get so angry when we argued, how I was glad we didn't have kids who were exposed to that. Now I really can't see how I will ever be able to have a child, and that is a loss I haven't even begun to process, because I have more immediate ones to deal with. I realize I'm looking at this in a somewhat simplistic kind of way, without fully considering the anguish I would feel going through this with children, or then having to co-parent and see AP or whoever else was in the picture on a regular basis. I mean, that all sounds awful, for sure. And I know it's not fair exactly to be like, if only I had a kid, this would be worth it! That's a lot of pressure to put on an imaginary child. I guess I'm just thinking about this other side of being childless too. I wish I felt like the Queen of Dragons! Maybe I will someday.
I think no matter what happens, you can still be the Queen walking through the fire stronger, and you can fiercely protect your girls with the strength you've gained. I hope in saying this, it doesn't sound like I'm minimizing your experience as a mother, which I can't know, or taking away from how you feel right now. You are an amazing mom, may; don't let anything your H says make you doubt that. I think everything you're feeling is 100% justified. I hope your IC appointment is just what you need today.
