It’s been several months since I posted here. And, only recently really got back into reading this forum. I’m glad I did though. Because, I think I’ve let my guard down a bit too much. I chalk a lot of that up to the quarantine.
So, I’ve been in this limbo state since the quasi-BD occurred in Sept 19. There has been no reconciliation of our R. At best, there’s been a softening of the huge disconnect we’ve had. But, that’s fleeting. And, there’s been no affection of any kind. I think the last time we even had a peck of a kiss was on New Year’s Eve. There’s been no talks of our MR. It’s now been almost 10 months of this situation – though, I started to have some serious concerns about my wife’s behavior several months before that.
Other than suspicious behavior and suspicious phone records, I still don’t have concrete proof of her A. But, I’d be a fool to believe one hadn’t or isn’t currently happening. The quarantine may have stifled the PA a bit. But, a cheater will find a way to get their fix. And, I’m guessing the odd trips to the grocery store a day after a grocery store trip was already made; or the extra-long early morning walks are opportunities to meet with OM.
The quarantine has made it a challenge to be a ghost. With my 2 D’s remote learnin, and both of us working from home, we’re around each other a lot. Most of it has been fine – cordial. Though we rarely talk, and if we do, it is very basic and logistical. As before, once the girls go to bed, we go to separate areas of the house. We are still sharing a bed, but there’s not even any good-nights or good-mornings anymore. She’s usually asleep in bed an hour before I go to bed. And, she usually gets up at least 30 min before I do.
But, I have been GAL’ing as best as one can do during the quarantine. I’ve done a million home improvement projects, tons of gardening/landscaping projects, and spending as much time as possible with my D’s. I've also continued taking guitar lessons. Absolutely loving that. I've been working out like a madman at home. And, my attitude in general is much more positive.
And, I do not pursue my W at all. I never initiate conversations unless it’s something logistical. I will crack a joke. But, I honestly try to avoid her as much as possible. My W has softened her communications with me a bit more. By softening – I mean she doesn’t lead conversations with spewing anymore. I don’t know if I just attribute this to the quarantine situation we’re in or what. I try not to read much into it. But, I have made mistakes when she’s been making pleasant, fun conversations with me and I’ll get too comfortable and joke around with her. And, then BAM, within an instant, she’ll make some unprovoked insult. And, I have to mentally reset.
I am getting to the point where I really don’t like her anymore though. I feel like I’m able to step outside of myself more often and just see how she’s behaved, and her outright arrogance. It is difficult to now imagine a future with this person.
I’ll write more as I have time. But, I would like some advice. We have a vacation planned to her family’s place by a lake this Saturday for a week. This is a place that many members of her extended family share for visits. We agreed on this earlier this year. I was reluctant to agree with our situation, but did so for the kids. And, we generally get along once we’re away from our home life.
Anyway, my W and I were having a really nice convo rehashing previous trips to this place. And, out of the blue, she mentioned that one of the hiking trail guide books was missing from the house. And, she said that I took it years ago and never returned it. And, I should put it back when we go back. I was flabbergasted at this accusation. I never took anything from this place. This was the first time I’ve ever heard of this. I immediately said (in a nice tone), “no, I never took that. I’ve never taken anything from the house.” She was adamant that I did in an accusatory tone. I held my stance. And, the convo ended and we just went on as normal.
It really baffled me at the time. I’ve always respected personal property. I later chalked it up to spewing. But, it really pissed me off because one of my D’s heard the whole conversation. I don’t want to bring it up with my W again because it’s pointless. I’ll hold my stance if she or anyone else does.
But, I also really don’t want to drive in the car with her on this trip. I’m seriously considering taking my own car and packing up some things: bikes, etc, that wouldn’t fit in our other car. I can easily diffuse the idea with kids with the extra items I want to bring. Just curious what people may think here.
Does this look too passive-aggressive, even though once that conversation ended it was never discussed again?
