Trying to Detach

[may22]

As their relationship progressed I accepted more and more that he and I simply weren't meant for each other. We weren't meant to be together forever. He was put in my life to give me my beautiful baby, who is no longer a baby. And that was his purpose. She is all the wonderful things about him. And she does carry a few of the not so wonderful things about him....And no matter what happened in this house D17 was helped by her parents splitting up.

Honestly, WF, I think you're just a better person than me. I can't see myself ever getting there.

All kids fair better in 2 households than then do in 1 toxic one. If your H won't put in the work your home will become so toxic it won't just be confined to the two of you any more. Toxicity like that seeps out, oozing all over everything. You can't control it either. It will effect your kids. And you have no idea in what way until it's too late.

Agreed. But our house is not toxic right now. I know it to my bones. I see it could get toxic because I think it has been in the past, and the girls are older now too and will pick up on a lot more of that than they did before. But today, I stand by the environment I'm giving them, today, as a mom is a good one.

You know how I feel about standing. If you can't, won't, or other wise are unable to be the one to pull the plug so be it. You stay. You figure this out. You do what you need to do. I am 100% on board with once you're done you're done, but you're not giving up with out a fight. I am that exact same person. If you aren't in a place to throw in the towel so be it. But don't stick this out for the kids. And sorry but a little 2x4 here don't say it's for the kids when it's not. Since this newest little revelation of H being a waste of oxygen you bring up the girls a lot but it's nearly always about how you think they are going to feel, and all of that is based on how you're feeling. Not the reality of how they will deal with things, because the truth is you don't know. Some kids take all of this stuff very personally, but most kids won't give a d@mn that they have a separated mommy and daddy once they start getting 2 christmases and birthdays. The wonderful thing about children is they are incredibly self involved by design. And also resilient. If you love them and support them to the best of your ability none of this has to affect them deeply or in the long term.

Knowing my girls, I think they are going to take this very, very badly. In different ways. I think my older daughter will be very angry, probably at both of us. I see her angry at her dad for leaving and angry at her mom for "making" him leave (even if I don't, but because I was mean to him or whatever she'll come up with as to why he had to choose to go.) The younger internalizes things and is incredibly sensitive emotionally. If one of us yells at her about something I'll often find her later, sobbing as if her heart is broken, saying she's a bad girl, this is all her fault, daddy or mommy (whoever yelled) doesn't love her. I know I need to get over this and I can get them therapists and all the rest. I just don't *see* that yet, that they will be fine. And so since I'm their mom and I can't see that yet, I don't see how I can authentically parent them through this and lie to them and myself about what I see in front of us. I will keep working at getting to a place where I see them better off with us apart, and then I think I can go full bore. But I can't do that until I get to that place (or until the decision is taken out of my hands, I guess-- in which case I can take the hand I'm dealt and do the very best I can).

If you always choose to put your daughters' feeling above your own regardless of the hate fire you have for H or AP or who ever may come in the future, you will always have well adjusted, happy girls. You're an amazing mother. And he's a great dad. The only thing imposing on them not having a rough go of it isn't you two separating and ending the marriage, it's you two in a constant power struggle for the rest of their lives. You don't have to be the bigger person now or ever. But as I've told wooba, I will tell you. Meet him where he's at. You can't expect rational behavior or logical, mindful choices from your H. The sooner you can start making the best decisions for you and the girls devoid of emotion the better. Because for the rest of the girls life you will have to be the bigger person. The more detached person. The water off a duck's back person. Because H isn't capable. You have to choose your battles. You have to choose your words. You have to make the hard decisions and swallow your ego more often than you should. But it's what we do as mothers.

I feel like maybe I'm not that great of a mom when I read this, and I think about H telling me I'm the one being selfish if I can't put them above my own feelings if we split. Maybe he's right. I can't. I can't see being the bigger person right now. I am angry and spiteful and want to use every weapon in my arsenal (besides them) to hurt him, if we go down that path. Maybe I'm afraid more of myself and who I am afraid I'll become than anything else.

Stay if you need more time to figure this out. Leave if you can't take this any more. But please don't do either based almost entirely on what you think the girls want or need. They need two parents who love them. That doesn't mean they need you together.

I'm at a place right now where I feel I know I'll be OK if we split. Maybe better off. I'm not yet to the place where I think they'll be better off.

And I did not sign up to parent them half time. I want them full time. They are my kids and I want them with me. So if he was willing to run off into the sunset and do as he's saying he'll do right now (but which I don't actually believe), that they could stay here six of seven nights a week... then OK. But if he gets to go be an entitled @ss AND take away my children from me half of the nights a week? F HIM AND THE HORSE HE CAME IN ON. I am very angry about this idea and I don't don't don't want it. So that is a big thing for me too.

I think awhile back Sage asked me if I could get to a place where I DGAF which path my H chose... I think I'm close to there. Scout asked what percentage of me wanted him to stay vs. go. I'm at say 55-45 right now. I want to get to 50-50.