D, thank you for checking in on me. Yes, you're right--I have to remember the absolute futility of trying to make him see logic or anything other than what he is seeing and feeling right now. I'm having trouble accepting that even if I don't try to explain my side, he will find things to use against me anyway. Ex: I'm not communicating with him, or, see, I'm emotionless and that was always the problem. Like you said above, and like OwnIt told me early on, nothing I do will be right. I am d*mned if I do and d*mned if I don't. Again, my brain struggles to make sense of persistent questions: How can this person with whom I built a life suddenly think so little of me? Or maybe it's my heart that continues to struggle because my brain understands that it's about him and his need for justification.
bttrfly: notebook ordered to pick up later today. I really like your idea of different sections. I think I am a little nervous about maintaining a balance between trying to get a deal while H is in a good mood (though he already seemed a bit moodier this morning, so maybe that intention is beside the point) and knowing I can take the time I need to think about things at each step. I very much like the idea of working on my core values and being able to refer back to them in the same notebook whenever I need to. I keep coming back to fierce compassion, because I think the compassion needs strength, needs to be a compassion that refuses to be messed with, especially when it comes to fierce self-compassion. I will need to draw on that again and again when I doubt myself or get drawn into seeing myself the way H sees me right now. How do you understand the fierce component for yourself? And I totally understand if you don't have the energy right now to meditate on something like that here. Your words have already been so helpful to me. I am so sorry for the heartache you are going through with your son right now. I'm glad the yard project was there for you. I couldn't go back to sleep this morning, so I did what I do every morning, which is tend to things outside. I fed the cat and found the first dinnerplate dahlia I have grown waiting for me, petals almost shimmering in the early light.
kml: Thank you for reminding me not to fall down the rabbit hole. I have been falling back down the SSM rabbit hole and blaming myself as I try not to think of H with OW, and I know that is not helpful. I keep telling myself she is not going to magically fix his issues, even if it seems that way to him, or even from the outside for a while. I could see him again spending years in an R and then one day deciding he's not happy because he's staked his identity on that person, or spent all of his energy taking care of her and not himself. I know that too is not my problem. In a way, I feel like I've finally joined the club here, with the slightly delayed arrival of OW!
No property, no credit card debt for me, credit card debt for H (we don't have shared credit cards and so can't see each other's balances or records), and no shared debt in loans or anything. We were married 10 years in November, and the L I talked to in the past seemed to think the official date of separation could be something that would need to be nailed down. H expressed his official intention to file after the anniversary date, so I don't know if that'll be an issue for us or not. It is good to know I should ask in next consult about social security based on his benefits; the last L also said I would be entitled to a portion of his pension since we were married for 10 years.
I continue to look for and apply for jobs that would include health insurance as they come up. Everyone tells me that I need to have faith that the right job will come along. I'm trying to. As for the ACA subsidy, that's good to know too. I was looking at our state's ACA marketplace options, and they had a table showing income caps for premium assistance—it was something like 25k, which I would be over by a bit, especially because that was before taxes. Maybe that was for additional premium assistance. The quoted costs for middle of the road plans was something like 300-500 a month. I'll need to look into that again.
I so appreciate all of you checking in here and offering advice! I am bone-tired and overwhelmed, alternating between angry and too tired to be angry or sad, and it is some comfort to know you all have been through this.
Yes, you're right--I have to remember the absolute futility of trying to make him see logic or anything other than what he is seeing and feeling right now. I'm having trouble accepting that even if I don't try to explain my side, he will find things to use against me anyway. Ex: I'm not communicating with him, or, see, I'm emotionless and that was always the problem. Like you said above, and like OwnIt told me early on, nothing I do will be right. I am d*mned if I do and d*mned if I don't. Again, my brain struggles to make sense of persistent questions: How can this person with whom I built a life suddenly think so little of me? Or maybe it's my heart that continues to struggle because my brain understands that it's about him and his need for justification.