Trying to Detach

[may22]

Thanks, Alison. I have another session with IC this afternoon specifically to try to tease out this core value thing (plus me figuring out how to not let my emotional life bleed into my professional life). I do suspect it is less around being a family of four and more about being the best parent I can be.

I don't judge people who are divorced, I really don't. I also spent some time with the IC yesterday on why I'm so against it. I do think it is sad when there are children involved but I think the only time IRL where I've gotten judge-y is when I feel like one or both of the parents didn't really try, or just walked away. Our neighbors have two children, S3 and D8. The 8 year old is terrific friends with mine and they used to just run back and forth between the two houses. One day a couple of years ago, the W came home from a business trip and said she wanted a D, she wasn't happy. The H said, OK. And that was that. She MO, hooked up with a work colleague (they had clearly been having an A but the H wasn't aware and she's never admitted to it... but within days of her announcement, when she made her H sleep in the basement before she actually MO, she was going out at night and coming home at 2 or 3 in the morning every night).

This happened a couple of years ago, their D was finalized about 18 months ago, and she's now living with her OM and 6 months pregnant. He's in a serious relationship too. The kids are shuffled back and forth. The kids don't seem to care but neither do they seem happy or well-adjusted. The daughter said to me a couple of months ago that maybe her parents would get back together. My girls are heartbroken that their time with their good friend is cut in half-- there have been a lot of tears at my house about it. Both parents seem relatively disengaged. The dad only has them half the time and I think they just watch a lot of TV. He works in his shop on woodworking stuff while they're with him. The mom seems like she can't wait to drop them off-- I don't think she's ever really loved being a mom (from conversations before she MO). I just feel so bad for the kids.

However, from the surface-- if I didn't live right next door and hear what is happening all day long, know when one parent comes and goes (with Covid, we all get excited any time a car goes up the drive, LOL)-- they would look like they have a perfect D. They're friendly, when school was still in session the mom would bring the kids home to the dad's house and make them dinner every day before he came home, he co-signed her loan for her new house. They *look* like a textbook conscious uncoupling. And yet, I'm close enough to know that it is not. And I feel some anger on behalf of the kids that both parents just walked away from their M and their family without a backwards glance. They weren't a high conflict couple but they've both brought their R issues into their new relationships... I'm much closer to the dad and we talk a lot about his new R, and I'm not optimistic for him. This is by far the closest I've ever been to witnessing a D unfold (H as well) and it looks simply awful.

And this is the closest my children are to D. My older daughter has a couple of good friends whose parents are D-- one is a super high conflict, ugly ugly situation; one looks very perfect co-parenting on the surface but the dad is a real jerk and I think it is just optics of what the mom wants to present. I really don't have good examples of Ded couples whose kids are well-adjusted and doing great.

I hear what you're saying, Alison. And of course I would never ever judge you if you D or remarry or whatever... I know you are doing what is best for you and your children. I believe that when the time comes that I am no longer able to be a good parent to my girls, that the trauma and stress of what is happening bleeds into my parenting, that will be my cue to walk. I think I could do it then. 100%. And I also think I could have done it in the first year of his A, if I had found out, because we were high conflict at home and I (not knowing about the A, but only considering how he was behaving towards me) felt strongly that this behavior could not continue as it was not OK for the children to witness. It was why *I* wanted to go into MC, because I felt like we were setting a bad example for the kids.

Maybe I'm good at compartmentalizing too... but the honest truth is, right now, I don't feel like we're a fake family. We are a family. The kids have a great mom and a great dad who love them very, very much. We don't argue in front of them and we spend QT together. We are kind to each other. And. My H is acting like a selfish jack@ss and putting this all at risk and I'm furious with him about it. But even if he is not being authentic and truthful, I believe that I am and I'm living my core values and being the best mom and May I can be.

Maybe my H will find some slippery way to get out of this deadline with the trip, but I do feel movement, that something is happening, that either he'll do what i'm asking or he won't and then we'll need to tell the children we aren't going on this trip, and he's saying he'll never forgive me for taking that away and we can't be married if we don't take this trip... okay. sounds like a decision to me.

And when your H says 'we can make this marriage whatever we want' what he means is 'what I want'. He really doesn't care at all about what you want and he hasn't done in years - if he was so interested in having an evolved marriage, he would have involved you in his decision to have another sexual and intimate partner. He kept that secret from you and took away your consent to the relationship you were in. He's still doing it now, only he's doing it to your face.

Yep. He's a selfish duck. (CARDINAL this really still makes me smile. thank you.)