Trying to Detach

[may22]

Thanks, Scout, Alison. I'm feeling down this morning, still strong in my conviction around what I need in order to go on this trip, but kind of hopeless. Like even if he does cut off all contact with AP all that means is that I get to be the one to continue to deal with his $hit as my H. And if he doesn't I get to be the one to continue to deal with his $hit as my ex and the father of my kids. There is no winning path for me, no light at the end of the tunnel. I spent some time on the MLC boards this morning and am feeling like I made a bad call all those years ago to M this guy and even worse to bring children into the world with him. (Although of course I love them more than anything in the world and I can't imagine life without them so that also makes it messed up since they wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him. So if I go down that path I start to tiptoe into some self-blamey areas, I should have secured my M earlier for the children, I f-ed up and now we're here.)

I'm questioning my judgment and my choices and angry at him and myself. it doesn't help that our entire country is a $hitshow. I read an article the other day entitled "America literally drank away our children's future" because we couldn't bear to go any longer without bars and restaurants and FUN so now our kids don't get to go to school in the fall. Anyway. I'm feeling a bit contrary today.

The ONLY way your H will do the kind of internal work you're talking about is if CONSEQUENCES are imposed for his bad behaviour. That's why I keep harping on about the importance of YOU being the one to leave if you want any chance of reconciliation. He won't change unless he feels enough pain and shame to do so, and even then he might turn and run for the rest of his life - that's the risk you have to be willing to take. You have to leave him and be willing to lose him forever as a result. On his part - he will never value something he has never had to earn. On your part - unconditional love does not mean being an enabler.

The consequences must be severe. He completely loses any access to you. He loses 50% access to the kids. He is exposed as an adulterer to family and friends. He gives you and the kids long-term financial support. This is not done out of anger or to punish your H. In fact, it's the opposite. I think you are doing an unkindness to him by refusing to leave. I think you are standing in the way of his personal growth by refusing to impose consequences. Change is hard and people like to be comfortable. He is too weak to do it himself. Leaving him could be the impetus for him to finally change. Leaving him could be your greatest act of love.

I agree with all of this. And/but... I'm absolutely enraged that the children have to pay the price, or part of the price, for the consequences of his behavior. That through no fault of their own, their family is broken up, they see love fail, they see their selfish dad choosing a new life and a new W and possibly new children over our family and them. I CANNOT FORGIVE THIS. Here's my difference... when I make the choice to walk, it will be forever. I won't want him back. I don't want to let him go to get him back. When that line is crossed, I can't see any part of me wanting anything to do with him that I'm not legally obliged to do, ever again.

Could I maybe change my mind? I guess so... I know there are plenty of friends on this board who have experienced S and are still willing to R. And yes, I also am beginning to be convinced it is a necessary part of the process if there is any future for us. But I just can't make it work in my head. Bringing the children into this by S-ing, for me, is violating a core value. If he does it, I'll never, ever forgive him. If I do it-- at least where I am today-- I'll never, ever forgive myself. That is where I am stuck.

Scout, the situation you illustrate... I don't know. I have a lot of thoughts around it. I doubt she'll move out here right away. She hasn't even told her sister, the closest person in her life, about H. And, knowing my H, if he makes this move he'll most likely stick it out and tell himself it was the best decision he ever made, following his heart, blah blah blah and they'll get M and have more kids and even if their R is total $hit on the inside, he'll never, ever admit it to himself because it needs to have been worth the sacrifices he made and the pain he put other people through.

Or, yes, he could totally crash and burn. I think of that situation and I only feel disgust and pity. I can't imagine getting myself to the glorious state of meh and ever wanting anything to do with that sad sack turning up on my doorstep. I'm scared that I would entertain it for the sake of the children, given what I'm willing to go through right now. And that.... f-ing TERRIFIES me. That I would extract myself from this d-bag and watch his selfishness and entitlement torpedo yet another relationship, and then ever willingly reengage.

But I could see it happening because he's the GD father of my children and as you know can be very, very charming when he feels like it. I'm so jealous of the LBSs without children who can just cut ties and walk. I'm so confused why AP is holding on so tight. She has no strings to H. They live thousands of miles away from each other. She never has to see him again. If I never had to see him again, if there wasn't all the complications of the children and how this would affect them and knowing he is going to be a part of my life forever no matter what... the thought of walking away and never seeing him again (even though it is impossible) is so freeing. There would be pain but it would be like the Queen of Dragons walking through fire and emerging unscathed and stronger than ever on the other side. Maybe I can imagine my girls like tiny dragons who will get stronger through the fire.

And none of it is done in the spirit of punishing your H - to give out 'consequences' like you do to a misbehaving child. It isn't you he's really fighting with, it's the fact of life, and one of these facts of life is that you can't have all the benefits of a committed marriage in which to raise children and enjoy the intimate and caring benefits of a wife if you are a liar and a cheat. You didn't make that rule.

I agree with you. H would not. "we get to make the rules." we don't have to live by society's standards. we can make this next evolution of our relationship whatever we want. Blah blah f-ing blah. It is so tiring to talk to him sometimes. But he is so entitled that he can't even accept that this is a fact of life. It is a punishment I'm exacting from him because he isn't doing what I want.