Seperated but holding on for reconciliation

[sandi2]

Sandi, do you think that is the only way for the WW to have a change of heart for the M? It doesn't seem to be something we have any influence over, so it relies on pure chance/luck/God's intervention, without which there is no hope.

IMHO, the H's influence comes by letting her go. Dropping the rope and allowing her to deal with the reality of her decisions. It may, or may not, be "the" loss that wakes her up. In some cases, it is an accumulation of things that lead up to the final eye opener for her.

In my case, there had been a few things that happened with the OM, where I could see little cracks forming in the fantasy of the EA. The "biggie" for me was when my adult daughter confronted me and told me she knew everything. She had accidentally discovered messages on our home computer. Knowing that she has read intimate things between OM and myself was so humiliating, I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. When my children were growing up, I had been their Sunday School teacher, as well as in other capacities of teaching the Bible & Christian life. (I was not a hypocrite at that time.) It was years later when I messed up. So anyway, during that talk my D had with me, my eyes were opened to the fact I had thrown away the main thing I wanted from my children.......which was their respect for me as a Christian role model in their lives. No, she didn't say it, but she didn't have to. I can only imagine how some readers may think of what I'm saying, but even Christians are human and can sin, and make a terrible mess of their life. During her talk, it also made me wonder......or maybe, even care for the very first time.....if my H still loved me. All of a sudden, it seemed important. For me, the big loss was my family's respect. I knew my children still loved me, but I had shaken a foundation in them. It was such a shock for them to discover their Bible teaching mother had done such a thing!

In spite of getting woke up, I did not immediately cut ties with OM. Why? B/c I was addicted! It was like being on a drug! However, with the help of my mentors, I was able to go NC and get through the horrible withdrawals. I say this b/c I want you to understand that experiencing a personal loss may get her eyes opened, but it's not the "fixer". She still has to do the hard work of ending the A, go NC, go through A withdrawal, etc.

Unfortunately, some do not get their eyes opened until after the divorce, and maybe even getting married to their affair partner. Whenever their fantasy comes crashing down, they see how stupid they were. The LBH may never hear an apology, or even know that the loss hits her. Some WW's just choose to live with the results, b/c they don't see any other route.

I count myself as very, very lucky blessed. I did not go as far as many WW's go, and did not experience some things they do. Although I have been forgiven, it will be the biggest regret & shame of my life, and I cannot undo it.

I just realized I didn't answer your question. Does it take a certain loss for the WW to have a change of heart? Due to callousness of her heart, I think it does. It has to be something that can penetrate the cold, hard heart. What's loss for one, isn't the same for another.