Finding and living compassionate indifference

[DnJ]

Good Morning cardinal

Taking a wee break at work and seeing how you are doing.

When talking to H, it’s not so much holding it in as realizing the futility and determent of heated explaining or arguments. That is said first and foremost with you and your healing in mind. Any possible future relationship is down the road and is a bonus NOT the goal. You are still the most important person in this.

Let out your feelings appropriately. It is important. As is holding them back at certain times. It’s a balance. And you know feelings change. Don’t make decisions or act based solely or mostly upon feelings. Look to your values.

Something more specific for you. When talking to H - “I’m sorry you feel that way”.

Listen and validate. Do not engage or attempt to make him see reason. Why?

H is looking for a fight, a scapegoat. Don’t give it to him.

If you explain your side, and I know it’s correct by the way, H will use it against you. “See you never listen to me. That’s why we will never work out.” And so on. Besides MLCers have the attention span of a gnat, got to keep it short and simple.

I’m sorry you feel that way. This does a few things.

It is the truth. You are sorry he feels like he does.

It does sound a bit belittling, however realize all the understanding and compassion that those six words contain. You speak that from a place of compassion and truth not of flippancy.

Those six words acknowledge and yet take no blame nor do they place blame. (Very important) When/if H attacks say the statement and stick to your healthy boundaries.

Sometime you might want to add, just one time only (for you), how it’s his divorce. As an example: H - It’s so unfair how much I am going to lose in this divorce. C - I’m sorry you feel that way, but this is your divorce.

You don’t need to say more, he knows.

D