I realize you said this is what convos were like in the past, and that they have changed, but I wanted to delve into this a little not just for you but for whoever is reading this:
Originally Posted by Core
Her: You're targeting me (or attacking me, hurt me, etc...real life examples, leaving a dish on the counter, not being ok with S1 playing in a moldy basement, threw out expired food) Core: I'm sorry you're feeling attacked. What caused you to feel this way?
One of the main topics of Retrouvaille is that we all have our feelings, and we are all entitled to our feelings. You may think your W's feelings are wrong or invalid for a particular situation, but nevertheless, it's how she feels and it is important to acknowledge her feelings. So in RV parlance, in the above case your response should be "how did that make you feel?" instead of "what caused you to feel this way?" Because what you are trying to get to the root of is HOW she feels, not WHY. The why doesn't really matter. What she wants is for you to know how she feels and to allow her to feel that way.
"I hear you saying you think I am targeting you, how does that make you feel?"
"I'm upset and frustrated, you never blah blah blah and you always blah blah blah."
So she shared a little about her feelings and simultaneously attacked you. Ignore the attack and focus on the feelings:
"Yes you do sound upset and frustrated. I am sorry I made you feel that way."
Notice you are not apologizing for what you did, you're apologizing for making her feel a certain way. In fact you may not think you did anything wrong. You left a dish on the counter, so what. BUT IT'S A BIG DEAL TO HER, it made her upset, so you apologize for making her feel that way even if you think it's silly or ridiculous that she is bothered by a dish on the counter. Now here is the magic of this process, NOW she feelings like you are LISTENING to her, and you are allowing her to have her feelings so she no longer feels the need to fight/ argue about it. Usually what happens next is something you're not expecting. SHE will apologize or express regret.
"I guess leaving a dish on the counter is really no big deal, I'm sorry I got mad about it."
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2 days later Core: You look upset, is anything wrong? Her: No Core: Ok
Another point they make in RV is not to ask if something is "wrong" because that puts the person on the defensive. You are inadvertently calling her feelings "wrong". Instead, just ask how she's feeling.
"How are you feeling today, you seem upset, is that how you feel?"
It may seem like a minor difference but asking what is wrong will almost always get a "I'm fine" or "nothing" type of response whereas asking how she feels will encourage her to open up. Also maybe she's not upset, but you've opened the door for her to share what she's feeling.
"I'm not upset, just frustrated over XYZ."
"I can see why that would be frustrating, I'm sorry you're struggling with XYZ."
There have been times where my GF just shut down on me and I assumed she was mad at me or I did something wrong. If I ask "what's wrong" I'll get the "nothing" response, because she tends to internalize things and doesn't want to talk about it. But if I ask her how she's feeling, she almost always will share it.
This is an actual example of a time I thought GF was mad at me for something, I didn't hear from her for over a day and then got a very snippy message:
"You seem angry, is that how you feel?"
"No I'm frustrated because of (D12), I found out she's been sexting with boys in her school and trading lewd pictures."
So here I was thinking she was mad at me, but I fought the urge to say "why are you mad at me" (which also sounds selfish, like I'm trying to make everything about me) and instead asked about her feelings only to find out something else was going on that she was upset about (and rightfully so).
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Core: Will you just tell me what's wrong, I know you're holding something in Her: Its nothing
Again this puts her on the defensive and her walls go up. Her response is completely normal for a challenge like that.
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Core: Just tell me, I dont believe you
And then you call her a liar, yikes! If she says nothing is wrong then just move on to the next subject. Maybe she'll open up about it later.
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Her: You did X (something completely normal, or held a boundary, or didnt allow her to control me) and you dont trust me Core: You've been upset about that this whole time? And I didnt believe you because something was wrong and youre admitting to it just now. I hear you saying that (XYZ action) makes you feel like you can't trust me, is that how you're feeling?
Remember, her feelings are her feelings whether you think they're valid or not.
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Her: yes, thats what I said, im mad about X and because you dont trust me Core: I feel like youve blocked me out for weeks because of that, I wish you couldve told me sooner.So I did X which made you feel mad and like you can't trust me. I am sorry I made you feel that way, I will work on this in the future. Thank you for sharing this with me.
Make sure that you understand validation, and that you REALLY ARE validating and not just -thinking- you are validating. Sometimes someone here will say "my spouse said XYZ and I validated but it went poorly" and I'll ask them to describe the conversation and it turns out they did not validate at all. Validation is very misunderstood and can be a disaster if not done properly.
