bttrfly, your post meant so much to me last night. I couldn't sleep, and there it was. I know you are going through stress yourself right now, and I am just so grateful for your taking the time to share your wisdom here with me. I haven't even replied to your previous post yet, but one of the things that was running through my head last night was I'm sorry/Please forgive me/I love you/I thank you.There is much to for me to think about, both in that post and your last one, and I have some questions re: fierce compassion, but I only managed three hours of sleep last night and I will reply more soon. I hope you found some peace last night, since you were awake too.
may, thank you for your support! H is really a duck sometimes, isn't he? I was reading your thread last night and also thinking, well, focusing on my story partly involves consequences for H now. What does that look like in my situation? I was thinking about what scout just posted on your thread re: consequences as reality and not punishment. I guess, here, consequences mean his moving out and supporting me to the full extent of the law. I know I'm not in a good place, because I do want there to be more consequences, such as huge regrets on his part and a disastrous R with OW.
(Side note: Do D agreements sometimes stipulate the higher-earning party also supports by paying for health insurance? I think you mentioned something like that, bttrfly. That would take a load off my mind, but I don't know if getting the best support payment I could would mean H couldn't manage more for health insurance too. I looked into the open market options here, and of course I wouldn't have enough income to pay for it, but with support payments would make just enough that I wouldn't qualify for assistance.)
I couldn't sleep, in part because all of that internalized rage kept cycling through my head and my heart. I'm hoping if I write it out here, I'll be able to get more sleep before work. I kept thinking of things I could have said to H when he said I haven't been communicating and that he doesn't remember a lot from the last year because it's been "stupid", from really sarcastic, ill-advised stuff (Has this year been stupid for you? I get that--I lost my husband and best friend in one night, and didn't self-medicate to block it out, so I remember everything, etc etc), to calmly stating things like, I'm not sure what I am supposed to have been communicating with you about in the last year. Could you explain? I told you my perspective early on, which was that I preferred to work on the M, but that you were free to act on D. When I did try to open up lines of communication, you were more likely to ignore me or yell at me. Communication works both ways: You chose to confide in others and not me when you were unhappy and considering divorce, and then, at BD, you put up an even taller wall between us. If you are pursuing divorce, it has been up to you to communicate these decisions to me when necessary.
I also cycled through things I'd like to say to his mom, who I still miss, when this is all over. I know I need to let this go, but now I have an idea of what he's been telling her--that he doesn't know what's up with me, but I never talk to him, he's trying to be nice through this process, but I'm not communicating--I am enraged all over again. I just want her to know I loved her son and could not have seen BD coming, despite what he might say. Many people close to us have told me that they absolutely saw love in the way he touched me and talked about me when we were together, and that he may have convinced himself it was never there or that there are no good memories, but that what they saw couldn't have been faked. I should trust that MIL recognized this love too, but... I am still wanting some kind of closure with her.
Wanting to respond in some way is tearing me up inside. I'm hoping I can meet with IC in the next few days, and that will help me get some of this out, because it doesn't feel healthy to hold it all in.
