Trying to Detach

[may22]

Thanks, WF. I heart you too. It means a lot when you say hi

Scout-- I love that. Entitlement validation error. I need to just have my computer voice go BLEERP, ERROR when he starts in on whatever he's going on about in the moment.

In speaking with the IC today I think I'll add one more to the list of his major flaws: entitlement, lack of empathy, and inability to take responsibility for his own actions. I was talking about this with my good friend today, who knows H well, and telling her these have always been personality traits of his I don't love. in fact, I feel I can trace most of my beefs with him to these three things. She asked-- has there ever been a time where you saw H really take responsibility for something major, something he did wrong, and admit it and work to rectify the situation? This stopped me cold. I couldn't think of a single time. Now I'm still thinking and I'm sure I have some level of confirmation bias going on here, but MAN. It really made me think that I'm barking up the wrong tree to think this man will suddenly sprout wings and come out of this chrysalis a butterfly.

I mean, is it possible? Crisis/trauma can spur major growth, like Alison said earlier-- but will that happen for *him*? I feel like signs are not pointing in that direction. One of the reasons I'd been confident this would work is that he has always tended to justify his decisions after the fact, such that everything that has happened to him turned out to be the best possible thing in the world. (FlySolo, like your H, right?) So I felt like if he made the choice to stay, once he got through the hardest part, he'd be motivated to do all he could to be sure this decision, like every other thing that has happened to him, was the right one and we'd be well on our way to M2.0.

Now... I'm not so sure that will be the case from where we are right now. One, he is doing his best to avoid making the decision himself, so it won’t have been his own decision but something that was thrust upon him. (The more I think about it, and I talked about this with the IC today, I think he purposely put this whole month-long trip together in order to force AP to be the one to make the decision.) Two, justifying his decision and actually doing the hard work are two very different things. I need to think on this some more.

He has made small and positive changes, I’ll give him that, like around the anger management and saying mean things area— which has been again one of the reasons i’d been hopeful for positive change, because I’d seen it in those areas and we’d been getting along so well this whole spring/summer. But now I’m wondering if those are just improvements in our communications channels and not really demonstrating that he can do the hard work… just that he can learn to stop being an @sshole, especially when being an @sshole doesn’t get him anywhere. And that is very different from taking responsibility, admitting you were wrong, purposefully putting himself in my shoes and understanding the hurt and damage he’s done, and digging deep to make these changes in himself and repair our R.

Had a great session with the IC today, and got more time with her tomorrow as we never got to the part about my job opportunities. I feel stronger than ever in sticking to my guns on the trip and what I need in order to go. Spent some time around why I am unable to be the one to make the choice to walk and I think it gets down to one of my core values, being a mom and having a family, and I can’t be the one to pull the trigger on ending that. She says I do need to protect my core values but it puts me in a position of disempowerment and wants to spend some time working on how I can take some of that power back without violating my core values. I’m wondering if it is about how I’m framing it.

No R talks today, except I told him after my session that it was great and I’m really centered in what I’ve said to him about what I need in order to go on the trip. He didn’t respond at all.