First off, I just want to say how much you feel like a kindred spirit to me. I see so many similarities between the two of us. I can empathize with you so, so deeply in so many ways.
A few thoughts for you to take or leave.
one… do you need to be loving and kind in these interactions with him, like going through the financial questions? Why? When I read this last post, it kind of seemed to me like you had two modes in your head— working through this together with loving kindness, or everything going through your Ls. Is there a middle ground? can you be civil but not put your heart out there on the line?
two, when he acts like an @ss and goes off about ridiculous things like all the people who think you are controlling, can you step back from it enough to see he is just being a ridiculous, petty child trying to hurt you? I love Alison’s examples because they show you just how crazy these Hs can be. Mine has said similar things. I got the controlling speech the other night too; tonight I forgot to put something back in the kitchen and he huffed around for a minute when he couldn’t find it like I’d purposely keyed his car or something. In my head I just keep thinking if you hate it so much here, GTFO but I don’t say anything. I’m sure he knows I’m thinking it though. Anyway, I agree with Alison that you don’t need to take that kind of abuse and the best thing is to remove yourself from it, and do your best not to let it affect you. Don’t let his crazy get you down.
three, if you do decide to move forward with D, you are under no obligation to do anything his way or be extra nice or sad or loving about it. As Scout has reminded me several times, D is not a team sport. It is a business relationship gone sour, where your business partner has lied and stolen from the company. For me, I feel if we go this route I will be putting on my take-no-$hit and you-messed-with-the-wrong-woman uniform and going to town. I don’t have it in me to be kind through that process. I have the “H is a flawed human being who made a mistake but is redeemable” narrative and the “H is a lying cheating @ss and the sooner I can disconnect my life from his the better” narrative battling in my head. I don’t have any middle ground.
Now I’m realizing I asked you in the first paragraph about a middle ground in how you are behaving with your H while I'm saying I don't have a middle ground in how I view my H... but I feel like even with the flawed human being narrative I don’t feel like I always need to be nice to him. He doesn’t really deserve it right now. And your H may be less of an A if you’re chillier to him— I bet seeing you cry makes him feel ultra guilty so he responds by being a jerk to make you mad instead of sad. So even if you’re still feeling like you want to stand for your M, being loving doesn’t really need to be a part of how you interact with him right now.
Finally, there’s no need for you to rush in any particular direction. Sit with where you are and how you feel. I spent an hour on the phone with my one friend today, who said I’ll know when it’s time to walk away. There won’t be a question anymore. And I think she’s right. So protect yourself, focus on what YOU need, don’t let his crazy affect you, and know you’re an amazing woman and mom. He’s a complete idiot.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
