I'm going to lay this out from a surviving divorce with as little damage as possible perspective. We will table all thoughts of standing for the purposes of this discussion. Separate the two. It's important.
You are now living with the enemy, in terms of finances. He will most likely be pleasant as long as everything goes the way he has it planned in his head, which is not necessarily going to be rational or equitable and certainly not to your best interests. Even if he's the best, most fair future exh ever in the history of the world, it cannot be in your best interests because you and you alone know what those interests are. They are based in no small part on a ruthless examination of yourself and your core values.
Take care of your finances. Think about what you want and need. Insurance is part of the divorce agreement. Having no kids is less piece to negotiate through, but you've been married 10 years. In some states the 6 before may count too, if you lived together.
Get representation. If you need to you can petition that he pays.
Remember it's his divorce, but it's your future.
You need to look at this part of the show a little differently: when it comes to negotiating your agreement, you need to be clinical and business oriented. This isn't a marriage, but a business partnership that has failed and is being dissolved. How would you proceed from a business perspective? Any and all ability to separate the marriage from the failed business will be to your advantage as you work out the details. This is critical and this is very important. I cannot stress enough that the person who looks at this as a failed business venture will come out with less financial damage.
Again, think about what you want and what you need. You want the house. What will you need to keep it? Ask an attorney if you've been married long enough to be entitled to his Social Security upon retirement. Not that you will get his, but that your amount will be based on his. I'm not sure how that works, or what the years in marriage are that qualify one - someone else can speak to this, but if he was the major breadwinner, then your amount will be based on his earnings. Another thing to ask a lawyer. This is the long term financial planning you need to do.
I'm very very sorry that this is happening.
I want to say something else: part of what you want can, and in my humble opinion should, include in your divorce planning is how you want to feel about your part in the next bit. Meaning, when you look back 5 years from now how do you want to see your behavior? Do you want to employ a scorched earth policy? Do you want to look back and say that for the majority of this time you've taken the high road and acted with fierce compassion? Is it something in between? Only you can decide. Take as much time as YOU need. Do not fold to another's timetable, his or OW. I feel this is important, Cardinal, because you have to live with yourself after this, and you want to make sure you are true to your values.
You know who you were when you met him. You know who you were as a partner/wife. You have hopefully gotten to know yourself a little better during this hellish process. Ultimately, all we really have at the end of all this, whether our marriages survive or not, is ourselves. I'm going to say that again: even for the lucky few people who get to piecing and get through all this with a new and improved marriage to their beloved spouse on the other end of this mess, ultimately, even with that relationship, all anyone really ever has is themselves, their core values, who they are. In a very real way, you are in a crucible right now, burning away everything except your core values. What are they? Write them down. Be true to them in all your dealings. I hope this makes sense to you. It's late here, and for my own reasons I'm stressed, so I'm not sure I'm conveying this as I hope to.
Once you have your core values, measure all decisions against that paradigm.
I'm sending you hugs, and strength. You've done a marvelous job, better than I did, as my Italian temper really got the better of me on more than one occasion. The toll it takes to stay as outwardly calm as you did is immense. You're not feeling well because you're internalizing all of it. If you can't eat, that's ok. But you need nutrition for your body and mind as you go through this. Smoothies are a good substitute. Try to get your veggies in that way. If you have to drink one smoothie over the course of the entire day, don't worry about it, as long as you're getting something healthy and staying hydrated also. I broke out the Nutribullet and put all my vegetables and some fruits into that to try to stay nourished, added medicinal mushroom powder and protein powder as well. Sometimes I could finish one during the course of the day, sometimes I couldn't but at least it was something healthy for my body and mind.
A word about this marvelous relationship and his happiness - it's easy to start new and get all caught up in the illusion of this new shiny bauble. But let's get real: this woman is now in a relationship with a married man. We don't know what he's told her to make her think this is a good idea. We don't know what kind of a person she is. We do know that she's a distraction from the reality of his inner turmoil and a quick fix. Those don't work. Stay the course. Focus on you and what you want and what you need. Do not allow yourself to be distracted by him and his process. This is important.
{{{{{{{Cardinal}}}}}}}
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
