My situation seems to be moving quicker than most in that I am pretty sure that H and I are heading for D.
We tried to have a cooperative conversation about splitting finances in anticipation of him moving out in a few weeks, and three sentences in he was attacking me to the point of me being in tears. I was open, loving and willing to work with him on how we would move forward, he questioned something that I believed we had tabled for this conversation and when he brought it up, I said, 'aren't we talking about that asset at a later time?'. It escalated from there, he wrote a list of people in his life that think I am controlling and manipulative (it contained his mum, sisters and some work colleagues whom I have never met and don't know me from Adam).
This isn't the first time he has written such a list to me. The last one (late last year) was all the things he doesn't like about me, including the fact that the house is a mess during the day (we are lucky enough to live in the countryside where our children free range and it isn't uncommon for there to be 12 kids in and out of my house at any given pre-Covid moment... I could spend every waking second cleaning my house and the floors would still be dirty even with just our 4 kids, let alone the coming and goings of neighbor tribes). These lists feel cruel and mean to me. I also recognize that they are a projection of his; I am the one who has done all the emotional labor in our relationship and have maintained all the relationships in our life (including his mum and sisters). I also have a huge, supportive friend and family network that has been my lifeline during his long work-related absences over the past five years. So maybe he has to build his army? Even though the last thing I would ever do it rally my Roman soldiers against him.
During our heated exchange, he claims I am controlling and psychologically manipulative (because I cried when I thought I was being open and nice during our sad conversation about splitting finances and he was mean to me). I can't say a thing without that being the constant reframe. This from a man who has been conducting a long-distance emotional affair (if not a PA) for potentially years.
I ended that evening feeling DONE. That D and moving on was better than standing for a M where my partner writes down lists of people and things he hates about me. From an H who questions what I do with my time when he's gone (uh, keeping our children alive and some of the most well-adjusted kiddos in our community??), how I have contributed to our business (uh, I was the breadwinner for YEARS to support the start of our business and have continued to lean in to any role that would further his career since) and just in general hateful comments about my shortcomings. I told him I was done and if we couldn't have civil conversations between us about the easy stuff (finances), how would we be able to amicably deal with the hard stuff (parenting plans and custody)? That maybe it was time for both of us to get legal counsel and have all future communication go through them.
He left for a night camping with our eldest and returned remorseful. He hugged me for a long time and apologized for his behavior, that he thought we could do this amicably and that he was willing to 'take it all on the chin' (gag me) and be the man he should have been from the beginning (when he realized he no longer loved me). *In our earlier heated exchange I told him he has been SO dishonorable in all of this. That of all the ways we could have ended our R, he had to have an EA, pretend to be 'working' on the M in MC, treat me like absolute shite and basically degrade me to the point of me having zero self-esteem left.
Well, his efforts lasted a total of several hours. He was working in the studio while I was feeding 12 children and simultaneously making a gourmet meal for us, and his first words to me when he came into our scene was what I had done to the fire (kids were roasting marshmallows outside over our fire pit) as it was too smokey. Did I put water on it (OMFG, I was raised in ALASKA FFS, I know how to build and maintain a f****** fire)? In a mean, condescending tone. I snapped and said no, why? After which he took his gourmet meal and ate it inside (probably texting OW) while I watched the 12 children roast marshmallows. He has been an a** to me ever since.
At what point is it just too much? I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I am a good person, a great mother and beloved by everyone I interact with except for him (could be my echo-chamber, I am sure there are people that don't love me). I am not afraid to instigate D. However, I haven't been standing as long as some, so I am questioning my resolve. I think he is in MLC, but not completely sure (he bought the car, has done everything else MLC-related).
So far he hasn't been able to go six weeks without a reconciliation attempt, so I have no idea what is going to happen when he moves out for real and actually has to take care of our children and be on his own for more than a few days. But I also just don't want this anymore. I am approaching a milestone birthday in a few weeks and I can't imagine living the rest of my life feeling like this. I am vacillating between 'GTF outta here, girl' and 'wait! what you had was real and amazing and four kids are worth standing for!'.
