Gerda, Scout, D—I can't thank you enough for being here. Whew. I think my emotions are going to be all over the place for a while. It was so hard to hold everything in while he was talking and to respond as if I didn't care much about any of it. I was just thinking, don't react impulsively and based on the terrible things you're feeling; say as little as you can! And then I had to release all of it after--here, to my mom, to my friend. I guess that is what I can keep doing--all the anger and sadness goes here and to my family, friends, IC. As far as H sees, I am indifferent and have accepted what he is doing/has decided, and it is all business. I hope that will get easier as time goes on, because it took so much out of me not so argue or react.
Originally Posted by DnJ
You are strong and smart! You don’t need to act around him. Be. Be you around him. Be your values. Be your compassion. Be the woman that only a fool would leave. That is all for you. And that is - all you!
In other words, oof, was it hard to be (and it feels hard to continue to be) my values. I want to accept, let go, be compassionate—go, H, be happy, is basically what I said when he told me about OW—but I don't feel these things right now. I guess that's why I feel I'm acting. I had to pretend to be the person I want to be and am trying to become (already moved on, confident I can't change anything and will be fine on my own), but that is not the person I am inside at the moment.
I can't remember if I already said this at some point, but I never really blew up at H after BD, so it feels like something I'm holding in sometimes still. Even during/after BD, I mostly cried and was very sad, and when I did blow up a little, it was to say I could never forgive myself, because I was really taking on all the blame he was putting on me. Like 90% of it, instead of half.
So on the one hand it is hard to imagine my never telling him how disappointed I am in him tossing our vows away or how much he has hurt me. Because I also still have that persistent yet distant worry that I am feeding one of his stories, that I never really loved him. Who even knows if he believes that anymore. I know that is the counterintuitive part. I know it doesn't matter what I do, he would find a way to reinforce his story because he has to keep running further and further from this part of his life. And I don't know how I would feel about that years later, D. I keep hoping I am doing all this for myself, so that I will have no regrets later. And there's even less point in wanting to prove anything if he's with someone else. He's really checked out. Maybe some small part of me wonders if I will regret never speaking my mind and putting half the blame back on him, even if he doesn't accept it. Maybe that is because I am still having trouble putting down all the blame myself, and I feel like I need somewhere to aim it.
When I step outside myself, I can see it's not about me, and he's repeating the pattern of not being able to stay single for any amount of time, even though he probably can't have processed much or spent much time sorting out his own feelings. If MLC, I guess he can't. He's not capable of that right now. He seems to have gone through many different selves in the last year or so, and now he's going to morph into a mirror of the OW. Maybe that's where some of his latest hobbies have come from. It's an easier solution to an identity crisis, and it has to be, I would think, a somewhat temporary one. When I step outside myself, it's not about me, so I don't care. But when I'm not able to do that, I just feel terrible and hate to imagine them together already.
I'm rambling.But I want to put this down while I feel it, because so often I get sucked back into his story, the guy standing in front of me telling me he's met someone and he's happy like this is a normal thing you tell your wife, like it's normal to dive into another R that of course won't have any communication issues, because I was the source of that! I didn't think of this in the moment when he was talking (and it's probably good I didn't!), but, um, I know he struggles with communication too, because, well, BD, right? He couldn't tell me he'd been unhappy before it got to BD, and even then, I had to pull BD out of him. Then suddenly he could communicate many resentments.
D, I always appreciate the way you break everything down for me, walk me through the basics of MLC again, and help me see things a little more clearly. I really need this kind of guidance to help me keep things in perspective. I still have trouble seeing my and H's exchanges clearly, because they happen so rarely, and my emotions also go to 11, and I spend the rest of my brainpower on staying outwardly calm.
Gerda and D, thanks for reminding me that I "can" ask him to leave. Gerda, that's how I feel--that if he's in another R, he does not belong here. In my mind and by law we are still married, but I know from his perspective that wouldn't make sense, because our M and R ended at BD. At any rate, I think I will likely get a better deal if I choose not to ask him to leave. I was at least a little relieved he was already planning to go at some point. I think it helps he now has an OW to go to, so he’s less attached to staying here.
If I look at my keeping friendly-neighbor status quo for now with H less as me pretending and more as a way to 1) hopefully help ensure a good agreement and future for me; 2) avoid giving H the anger/argument/confrontation he wants or would use to further justify his running; and 3) though it feels more difficult, as a way to continue acting with compassion and understanding and not resentment and anger because that is better in the long run for me… well, then friendly-neighbor status quo seems slightly more doable.
As for how to move forward with potential agreement-making: I will have another lawyer consult once I get financial info from H and have drafted another budget, before we even start to discuss an agreement. I already know the basics of what I am entitled to, but I want another opinion and specifics. I think it’s good to remember if we come up with a draft agreement, and then a L advises me against something in it, I am still not bound to that agreement.
If H ever tries to hurry me along or asks for an answer on something I am not ready to answer, I will say, I will get back to you. Though I think it is in my best interest to get an agreement done sooner rather than later, I will not be pressured or rushed to make decisions. I think I should also be prepared for H to go from calm, "We can talk any time," mode to angry or avoidance mode again. That's been the pattern for the last year anyway.
Anything else I need to keep in mind on the approaching agreement side of things? Maybe saying less is better here, too? I have a hard time with this, because I really have to work from saying too much and not saying what I'm thinking with H. Hence my looong posts, I guess.
I think I am maybe going through another little round of shock, and will hit grief/depression again, which I'm not looking forward to. This whole thing still sometimes feels like a long nightmare with a side of pandemic. Right now it kind of feels like, okay, I have all of these good memories of our M despite everything, and of H really being happy and telling me he loved me, and others have said they also observed his happiness, but what is the point if I am the only one with these memories now?
Also, wooba, may, what is it in the air this summer that is stirring all of these WAH up?!
