Finding and living compassionate indifference

[DnJ]

Hello cardinal

(((Hugs)))

Sorry. I know it feels terrible.

I need some reassurance, if possible. I always second-guess everything I do/don't do with him. I have been feeling okay about basically leaving him alone, and now he is saying again that we can't communicate and that's why our M failed.

cardinal, you did fine.

You didn’t blow up at him. You didn’t take the bait. You did perfect. Second-guessing is a good and normal response; shows your willingness to learn and do better when possible.

Trust me, H wanted you to get angry. He wants an excuse to do what he is doing. He wants to blame you. It’s clear as day. Even when you don’t give him a reason, he’ll make it up. Examples: the thanksgiving talk, you are the one not communicating (so not true!), the M will never work out, blah, blah, etc., etc. Pay no attention to his irrational rants.

He is projecting upon you. Most everything he says about you is actually about him. He just can’t be the one at fault, so therefore you must be. The irrational logic of a person in crisis is dizzyingly twisted in its simplistic complication. In other words it is pretty simple, but he will twist it and make it seem so complicated.

Let’s see if I can help you through this rough part of your path. If you’ll have me.

I WANT TO SCREAM HERE AND SAY SOMETHING ABOUT HOW HE COULD HAVE GOTTEN D BEFORE A NEW R, but I don't. Should I have said anything here?

Saying nothing was perfect.

That answer is going to be the same for probably all your questions of if you should have said something. And here is why (not in order of importance):

As I said, H is looking for justification to leave. He wants you to blow up at him. He can then proceed with a clearer conscience. (I find that idea a bit laughable). He can then more easily blame you. You didn’t fall for it and you didn’t give that to him. Well done!

Contrary to H’s insistence that the divorce should/will go smooth and everything can be sort out between the two of you - No! Get a lawyer. Therefore, keeping your cool with him, keeps him off balance, keeps him happier, keeps him feeling guiltier. He will be more amicable, or less confrontational, during negations. A guilty spouse usually gives a better offer. And you deserve better!

You also aren’t pushing for a divorce - he is. So you not giving any ammo is to your benefit. Let him do all the heavy lifting. You just protect yourself and your future. Ensure that you do!

And last, and most important, holding your tongue is for you! Come here, vent, scream, type in all caps if you need. Give yourself 48 hours before responding to H. And make no agreements without consultation. In time, you not blowing up at H will pay huge dividends to your emotional health and well-being.

Does H deserve you blasting him? OH YES! He sure does. However, imagine a few years from now...how do you think you’d be with that? Compassion and forgiveness is for you. Always has been. As counterintuitive as that feels right now. Continue on that path. Beliefs vs feelings.

How do I act around him going forward? He's going to say I'm not communicating no matter what, I guess.

You are strong and smart! You don’t need to act around him. Be. Be you around him. Be your values. Be your compassion. Be the woman that only a fool would leave. That is all for you. And that is - all you!

So not act. Be...behave. How do you behave around him. Your behaviour is authentic. Do as you have been doing. GAL. Roommate. Focus on you.

Plus, I am so, so angry that he's never showed any emotion about our 17 year R ending. And now he's "happy" with a new person. Like I said, I'm not entirely surprised, but it still hurts like h*ll.

Yes, it hurts.

When my XW blew up she didn’t show any regrets either.

Remember these MLCers are completely passed the point of us reaching them. They have been consumed by torment and ran to escape. Us LBS are usually deer in the headlights and get mowed down; like anyone else who gets in their way.

The MLCer has a complete loss of empathy. They cannot handle their own emotions never mind anyone else’s. So yes, no emotions about ending a long term marriage is pretty standard stuff for the crisis individual. Think of that for a bit - they throw all that away and hardly bat an eye. Wow, how far gone do you have to get to feel like that?

For your anger. Let it out. Safely. Go for a run. Sweat it out. Scream into a pillow. Whatever. Just don’t blast it towards H. Sure blasting H may feel good, but only for a while. Feel it, and let it wash over you.

Should I have said anything about how disappointed I am in him? I wanted to push back so much on how he's been AWOL for a lot of the past year and could have easily talked to me about D any time he wanted to, but I didn't. I feel like I'm keeping in so much emotion, because it would come out the way I don't want it to. It would be me arguing his version of the past year or the M and trying to get him to accept blame, and that seems pointless.

You are correct and most wise. It would be pointless.

It is aggravating, I get it. H has rewritten his history, his marriage. He is ping ponging all around emotionally and will act erratically. You trying to get him to see, will not work. His journey is about him, not you. Never was about you.

His trauma likely predates you completely. Happening when he was quite young. Remember that, when you feel like fighting with him or his truth - you are fighting that scared little boy. A boy that was abused or such by a person in a position of authority over him.

Currently, and very unfortunately, H has irrationally, unwittingly, and unknowingly, tied you to that long ago lost authority figure. He is compelled to rebel against you; which is actually rebelling against whomever was his childhood transgressor. You remaining conflict-free with him allows him to smash against your rock without any fighting from you. Eventually H will realize you haven’t done anything against him for months/years. Which then he realizes you never really did anything against him at all. So, how can you be the cause. And hopefully he awakens to what really happened, to what he buried as a child.

As I said, his path. Your path is different.

We all learn by doing. Compassion, empathy, understanding, forgiveness. Those four (and more) positive traits, beliefs, values, actions, behaviours, etc... we enact towards our spouse. We then turn those towards ourselves.

Self care is learnt. It is not something we are born with. We emulate what other good we see. We perform those acts on others. And then finally, find compassion and forgiveness for ourselves.

We are our own worst critic. Be gentle on yourself. Acknowledge and release your emotions. Find compassion for you. Forgive yourself.

The LBS’s path is an incredible opportunity. One that most people are never exposed too. And for those that are, few really fully embrace it. For what it’s worth, you are one of the few. Do stay to the path. It gets much smoother. And so very much better.

Right now you have some business side stuff to look after too.

I can't ask him to leave ASAP, because we need an agreement first and I need to be receiving support. I'm planning to get the financial info from him, refine my budget to reflect it, have another L consult so I know going into talking with him exactly what I'm entitled to--like I want to have it written down.

Good. Get legal counsel and get it written down. Be prepared. (Don’t act prepared )

By the way, of course you can ask him to leave before an agreement. It may not be in your best interest to do so (ask lawyer). I just want you to realize, you “can”. And you are deciding your actions. It’s small I know, but has big mental implication for you. You are taking charge. Things are not chaotic and out of control.

I’m not asking him to leave ASAP, because I want an agreement first and I want to be receiving support.

A few word changes, which I believe captures what you are actually doing.

Stay strong. You got this.

D