Ending Limbo

[Core]

CW, G, Ovr, thanks for the responses on Ws parenting. If you all agree then I'm the one over thinking and overreacting.

Well, you turned it on with your internal discourse, so I do believe you can turn it off. I've been reading the Meditations of Marcus Aurelius, but started with The Inner Citadel. Great stuff for situations like this.

Got my interest here. I like YouTube stuff on stoicism so I imagine books can add a whole new level. So far are you liking them? When it comes to books like that im abnormal in a way. I dont want to read them when life is chaos. I want to read them when its a peace. I realize I've got a few peacetime activities lined up but maybe they'll help bring me peace if I follow them now.

Validating is acknowledging their feelings--e.g., sad, angry, frustrated, etc. A feeling isn't wrong or invalid. Facts may be. Actions may be. Responding defensively won't help your relationship--romantic or coparenting.

True. Responding defensively helps in no way I can think ok.

She FEELS LIKE you're blaming her. This is a great time for an intervention!
You: Oh no! What do you feel like I'm blaming you for?
Her: Obviously, for D4 missing out on daddy time during lunch.
You: I think D4 will be almost as happy to have daddy time while you get your medicine.
Her: But you two will miss Spongebob. The Spongebob finale!
You: Your medicine's important. I suspect D4 would be just as happy this one time.. if we recorded Spongebob and then set aside a special time to watch it tonight.. with popcorn!

I wish convos could be like that. Thats how interactions I have with others and past romantic partners have been at times. I just...I can't believe someone would even be offended by me working my normally scheduled shift. This is how convos look with my W:

Her: You're targeting me (or attacking me, hurt me, etc...real life examples, leaving a dish on the counter, not being ok with S1 playing in a moldy basement, threw out expired food)
Core: I'm sorry you're feeling attacked. What caused you to feel this way?
Her: You
Core: What did I say or do that was upsetting?
Her: Nothing

2 days later
Core: You look upset, is anything wrong?
Her: No
Core: Ok

3 weeks of stonewalling later, I dont even remember the original convo...
Core: Will you just tell me what's wrong, I know you're holding something in
Her: Its nothing
Core: Just tell me, I dont believe you
Her: You did X (something completely normal, or held a boundary, or didnt allow her to control me) and you dont trust me
Core: You've been upset about that this whole time? And I didnt believe you because something was wrong and youre admitting to it just now.
Her: yes, thats what I said, im mad about X and because you dont trust me
Core: I feel like youve blocked me out for weeks because of that, I wish you couldve told me sooner.
Her: you didnt ask

Then slowly I would either give in and lose a boundary to prevent stonewalls, lose part of my identity or battle and receive either longer stonewalls or sometimes intimacy for confronting.

Months later
Her: why did you stop doing X?
Core: Because it really bothered you in the past
Her: You misunderstood me and have a bad memory. Youre remembering wrong.
Core: You shut me out for weeks...I remember that happening
Her: I never did that

I question and doubt my own memory. Maybe I did do such and such wrong. Let me apologize for hurting my W.

Core: I apologize for X
Her: thank you
Core: how do you feel about my side of the story, I felt shut out for weeks
Her: that didnt happen, youre always trying to start a fight.

Ladies and gents, its interactions like the above that caused me to pull out emotionally. Its one of many reasons why I think there is a disorder or at minimum cptsd at play. I'm slowly filling with hate. Not resentment. Its hate and I dont like how it feels. I have to leave the sitch, for me and the kids. Life is about love, support and having fun.