It WOULD be amazing to have a travel buddy, right? I love traveling alone. Truly love it. But sometimes I want to travel with a friend too. I'll be your virtual travel buddy? Your travel support buddy
There should be "dating" sites where you can hook up with travel people! They must exist, right? Find someone you click with, enter your budget range and desired countries and go discover the world. A little dangerous in App form I suppose but cool in concept.
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Yes, go back to dating the 25 year olds. As in....don't "date". If it feels boring then I say don't do it but by all means have some fun. I need fun. No fun for me - blame the lack of leadership in this *bleep*hole country and blatant idiocy everywhere. I'm in a safe place, but still. No hookups for the foreseeable future. Even some flirting would be fun for now, but that tends to be better within 6' of one another.
I've been thinking about hooking up. It's new for me. I was always a serial monogamist. And too restrained in my love life with XW. Far too restrained. After 18+ months of soul searching I'm discovering who I am and it's still evolving. I still love her. I'm still a bit *in* love with her and I still see her as "my" person. A very big part of me still wishes she'd approach me and a very big part of me is terrified that she would. I feel...not fully baked. Like I'm still learning who I am, and I could not have any kind of healing with her unless I really know who I am. I'm struggling with the fact that we might not ever have healing between us, and the fact that we were a great couple in many ways, and with true reflection and work we could be a great couple again.
But that is only what I see, and I don't know what she sees. I have to leave her to live her life without assuming I know what's best. I'm still trying to leave her gently.
When I focus on me, I thrive. I had lost that for most of our R. Not because I intentionally deferred to her (though I did) but I think in part because we got together when I was so young. With the age gap she had come into a bit of who she was as a person, and I loved that. I didn't flounder enough to find myself ever - she scooped me up into safety and we lived happily in a bubble. Now I feel myself being pushed and pulled and I feel incredibly strong and confident and I know exactly what I like and don't like. I'm more open and curious and bold. I'm kinder, and I've discovered that the physical world is very important. I had lived in my mind - in academia or some mental problem solving state - and thought that was somehow wholly "me". But now I'm hiking and meditating on what my sexuality really means and how important it is to want - everything is so different.
So hooking up feels like a way for me to exert my new found power. Use my voice for good communication, listening well and being present without making assumptions. It feels new and it feels like it will be part of my process. I can have a lovely time with someone in an honest way and not feel guilt of what it "should" be. I can be honest upfront about not wanting more than casual friendship. For right now, I think I can easily not fall in love by accident because my heart just isn't in it. I still want to save and buy a house on my own without another person's input. That, to me, feels like the ultimate stability after our break-up. When I am able to buy it will be MINE. XW was generous/fair in our splitting of assets (none of which were in my name). I'm grateful for that, and lucky. But I still feel stupid for putting myself in such a vulnerable place financially.
I just reread what I wrote. I said, "I'm still trying to leave her gently". She left me. But wow, that sentence is so telling to me. What a shift in my perspective.
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I didn't think I'd write all that, it wasn't planned. That's the kind of stuff that has been percolating for a while now, and why I'd been off the boards as I worked it all out. I'm not sure if I'm back to posting or not, or if I'll end up hiding again. With every step of healing it feels better to not remind yourself of what was, but to fully embrace what is.
