Trying to Detach

[may22]

Hi Alison,

Thank you for sharing that... I'm going to guess that there are some parallels, for sure, with my H. He presents a very capable, strong, and put together facade to the world. (So do I, I guess.) He comes off as arrogant. I think this hides some deep insecurities. He really, really cares what other people think of him... probably not in an extreme way, but just a lot more than I care about what other people think of me.

I do think he's dumped a lot of those feelings you describe (damage from the SSM, feelings about the affair, inability to make a decision, fear of the future) onto me to process. I also think I've dumped things onto him throughout our M. I know I've treated him terribly in the past. Said really awful things in anger. For years, we would fight and I would say things like "I can't be married to someone like you" because I felt like I was being treated badly. It would hurt him deeply that I would ever say that in anger, and he used to call me out on it. I'd apologize or get defensive but didn't really think about it in any real way that would motivate me to change the next time I got mad. I guess in some ways I can identify a little with your H, as I don't get angry very often but the only person in the world who can push my buttons is my H (my mom to a lesser extent) and in the past when I did get pushed to the breaking point, I have really, really unloaded terrible things on him in anger. And I also suspect that the SSM was partially my drip-feeding some of the resentment and anger I felt back to him.

I don't do this anymore. I guess that is one part of me growing. I've let so much go. When I had that total cathartic experience with H on our trip in Feb. 2019, I felt washed clean. I let it all go, the resentment, the anger, the reasons for the SSM. I saw him as a person again. H still is holding onto all that baggage, though, and I know he needs to process it himself if there is any hope for our M. I can't do it for him, and you're right, it wouldn't be the kind or right thing to do.

Perhaps your H is only capable of a marriage where he is hero-worshipped and gets to do whatever he likes and never has to experience the discomfort of responsibility and self knowledge. I think a lot of this is to do with maturity. I have had to grow up a LOT in this situation. So have you, May. Pain is what moved us towards self-growth. Our H's are experiencing that now too, and it isn't a loving act to rob them of the discomfort that causes positive change. Let your H sit with your 'no' for a while and deal with it in whatever way he sees fit. Don't be afraid.

It is interesting-- I actually think in our M he sees it the other way-- that he worshipped me-- and now he's experiencing a relationship with AP where he's the hero. Which has got to be very seductive. Either way he has still offloaded responsibility for his own feelings and happiness to me and/or AP. I think this is why he thinks he can't be happy without AP in his life, because of how she makes him feel. (He's said this a number of times-- it isn't her as a person, but the way she is towards him makes him feel loved and wanted and needed, and if that was gone-- she no longer felt that way about him-- the drug would be gone and he could move on.) Mind reading again, but I partially wonder if this trip is/was his way of pushing her to cut him off and move on since he can't seem to do that himself.

Mostly quiet yesterday. In the afternoon I took my kids to the beach to meet with my friend, her H, and their kids. Everyone had a ball and just being outdoors, by the ocean, talking with good good friends felt like a balm. H grilled prime ribeye for dinner and I topped mine with truffle butter and had a Manhattan. Watched a comedy special and folded two giant loads of kid laundry which is my very very least favorite chore but they've been sitting, clean and wrinkled, in laundry baskets in my way for days-- so getting that done felt good. (OMG. Those of you who gladly fold other people's laundry are saints. I'm going to start making my kids do their own.)

H gave me a little flare of anger as we were getting ready for bed-- said the only way we stay M is to go on this trip. I said, OK. You know how to make it happen. He said how can he block her when he's told her he'll be there for her if she's suicidal-- how horrible would I feel if she tried to call and he had blocked her and then she did something? I said, I would think you'd tell her you can't be that person for her after all and would be blocking her. If you want to be my H you can't be that person for her. She has other people that can help her. He said, you don't know anything about her life. I said nothing.

He also sparked more anger around control-- I'm just telling him what to do, he can't do this like this because it makes him feel that his whole life will be just me telling him what to do. I'm a bad mom (yes, he said this) and too selfish to do this trip for the children. I didn't say anything to that. I'm trying to imagine myself as a rock, just letting this garbage wash over and around me but not moving me.

IC appointment this afternoon. Will try to figure out two more things (thanks KC) to do for me... maybe yoga and some time relaxing outside with a novel.