I inadvertently got on the roller coaster ride again lately, so I've been working through my feelings and trying to keep my focus.
I haven't responded to H's last email. He said that I don't need to worry about child support because I have taken enough funds from his account (which is true...I did it anticipating that he would cut me off out of nowhere - which thebn really happened). and then told me to let him know how much I need.
Few days later after sending me that email, he came over and brought me some food as usual. He showed it to me and it was my favorite pasta salad. I burst out in tears.
And then I spent way more time than I should thinking about why the heck he would do that. Did he feel guilty for writing me a mean email? Did he feel guilty for cutting me off? Does this mean he's softened?
meanwhile when I read may's thread and what scout's said about the mindf*ck channels, I wonder if that also applies to my H. rage, charm, and self-pity. I feel like I can see H's behavior following that pattern. Who is my H? Do I really know the real him? Or did I really have my blinders on the whole time? Was I a victim of emotional abuse? I had these questions running around in my mind but I couldn't arrive at a clear answer.
All I remembered was the vets said, "when you are still confused about your WAS, that means they are not back yet." So I stopped thinking about his "making my favorite pasta salad" gesture and decided to go back to my instinct - nothing's changed.
I feel embarrassed (to myself) that I still went through that cycle. I took his gesture to the heart and interpret it to be something entirely out of its own realm.
What is real? What is true? What's real is the love my children and I have for each other. What's true is our actions will match our words (most of the time). We got each other's backs in highs and in lows. We do not desert each other when things get difficult......
