Ending Limbo

[Core]

Journaling:
Im back on the thoughts of W having BPD, the latest:
W: be careful while pouring milk
W: stop when the milks high
D4: *spills* oops, sorry mommy
W: why didn't you listen to me, thats not nice
D4: i got distracted
W: you shouldnt ignore mommy, now theres a mess
D4: i didnt ignore mommy, i was distracted
W: you didnt listen
D4: sorry mommy

Core: im in the clock, Ill miss time while youre getting medicine so I wont be able to take the kids out during my lunch.
W: it feels like your blaming me
Core: im sorry you feel that way, work is important and Im not going to push the limits on my time. Ill take them out after work.
W: youre blaming me and making me angry. I tired of being angry at you so often.
This continued on till I told her I had to work.

This is going to be a really messy D and I think Im going to spend a small fortune for the kids (worth it) to keep them in counseling over the years. The convos now with D4 scare me. D4 is starting to walk on eggshells and often has to apologize. W expects the same of me. I tell the kids, "i love bobbling you". When im swinging them around. W feels like i use the word incorrectly to hurt her and asked me to stop. Not only does she have to control my actions but my words themselves.

Whether BPD or something else, this is not healthy and the kids and I need a safe place. This is all minor, passive and covert but it adds up to a whole lot. Im not having one last chat with W. Unless I see her go to intensive therapy, I am not going to accept her back if she tries. It would all be a charade. I sincerely hope I am not painted black to my kids. I pray to my god for them and myself. Theres no way I get more than 50/50 custody at this point. I was even for it before but now when I see w handle D4 conflict and D4s nervous reactions, I see where my own anxiety formed and why it went from being in my background to a daily obstacle.