Trying to Detach

[may22]

He doesn't get to lie and cheat and hold the door open for his mistress AND get the sorts of things that happen in committed marriages. He wants a committed marriage and everything that goes with it, then he actually commits to the marriage.

Otherwise, you proceed as a separated couple who have to cohabit. Which means separate vacations with the children.

Alison, this is PERFECT. it is exactly what I need to hold the line. In fact, this is part of what I've said from the very beginning to him (when I was arguing for the M)-- these are the kind of things we both love to do and the exact kind of things you can never do if you D. You don't get to go on month long trips by yourself with the kids. At least not with me as your ex. I've never been okay with that and things aren't going to magically change when we D. His argument, all along, has been why not? We can do whatever we want! We can be that couple that still vacations together. But that isn't happening from my end, and I don't have any guilt around that. The vacation is just a really clear example of continued cake-eating, and one that I'm not willing to participate in.

To the controlling man, boundaries feel like oppression.

I see this in him (and tbh, I also see it in myself, looking backwards). We've both been so terrible at boundaries that I think untangling this, what is a controlling behavior, what does it mean to respect someone else's boundaries, how to disengage when we've been together all these years and so used to planning everything around each other and the children *without* any strong boundaries between us-- I get that it feels controlling that I'm saying no to him and something he really wants that he can't have without my participation. But I also feel strong in my reasons for not wanting to participate under the current circumstances. Him being angry about it doesn't change the facts of what is happening, what I'm comfortable with FOR MY OWN PROTECTION and what I'm not. I'm not saying no to this trip to be a b*tch or punish him. I'm saying it because I am not interested in getting hurt further/again.

The control thing-- is a bit of a sore spot, and I'm coming to recognize that even though I thought I wasn't being controlling any more I was still trying to influence him with little things over the last few weeks. So there is some truth there, as much as I want to deny it. So it is something I'm thinking about a lot, control vs. boundaries, and working this out with the IC has been especially helpful. I see it is frustrating for him. (Alison, I looooove your example about your husband's rages... and yet I can also totally understand why he feels cancelled when ranting to you is no longer available. Obviously he needs to find healthier ways to communicate and the only way this can happen is when his unhealthy way no longer works-- because you aren't participating-- so I think that is a good thing. But I also understand how he feels and how hard it must be for him to take that anger and now have to deal with it himself... or not... that isn't easy for anyone.)

Scout, you are totally right, I think we HAVE talked out the SSM. I just no longer want to talk about it as the conditions set for his affair. It happened. I bear much of the responsibility for that. It doesn't mean I'm responsible for his cheating. He did that on his own. And until he can separate the two-- yes, he felt betrayed/unloved because of the SSM-- and also yes, he did still choose to cheat, it wasn't an accident, or my fault for the SSM, or anyone's fault but his own-- until he can own his choices and actions, I don't see a point in continuing to talk about the SSM. My IC (who also happens to be his IC-- which I know you guys might not think is a great idea but I was desperate, tried 10 different ICs including others in her practice, none of which had the magic combination of taking my insurance and taking new patients, and truth is I think she is great) is really focused on me holding this boundary and that he really needs to take responsibility for his own behavior and stop blaming it all on me.

Your H’s problem is his sense of entitlement and his inability to empathise.

YES. YES. YES. You are exactly right. And these are issues he has had all along, every since I've known him.

Scout, Hope, I'm not sure how much of my reluctance is fear that he'll be "better" with the OW. I think this is part of my non-detachment showing, or my possessiveness talking, but I don't actually care if their R is total $hit on the inside or not. I just don't want it to BE. Is that weird?

Kind, Cardinal, Hope, thank you. I *do* need the supportive words right now. Cardinal, hoping maybe my H's verbal diarrhea can help explain your H a bit... and Hope, that is really helpful to think that this scariness can help get me unstuck. I need that.

I have my next IC appointment tomorrow and they always help me feel so much better and stronger around my boundaries and that I'm not being controlling by enforcing my boundaries. I think I'll need this as we move forward.

Thanks you guys... I really appreciate all of this support. I need it.