"15% of people will never steal no matter what. 15% will always steal no matter what. But the other 70% of people will steal if given the right opportunity or think they can get away with it." I think a similar thing can be said of married people. Will someone cheat if they think they will not get caught? The majority unfortunately probably would.
That is just scary and I hope that's not true. How could so many commit such betrayal, even if they could get away with it? If it is true that disappoints me, and changes my view of people in general then. I would rather be a person that trusts completely and gets hurt then one that is suspiciously scanning the terrain for 'opportunities' to get away with.
It sounds like you have been working with your S across multiple offenses of EA, always standing guard to keep close eye on changes. If this is the case, then clearly you are not considered high value. Maybe working on these boards is helping you to keep your guard up, because if you don't you are constantly being reminded of what will happen... you read about it everyday here.
Its okay to sit with your feelings, and not write them off so quickly. You have 'checked the box' and worked incredibly hard on your M, if you are never allowed to stand down, how will you ever enjoy life in general? I am definitely not saying what you should do - I am a staunch supporter of marriage and trying (as you know) - but, if you want to find marital peace - then something has to change in that dynamic between you and W. She seems to be coasting and not nearly trying as hard as you are....everyday.
Thanks Blue Sea. I think the "always on" things doesn't mean I am not myself, it means that I have to be constantly working on me, constantly be working on the MR. And what I have learned is.....THAT'S HOW IT SHOULD BE! The reason this forum exists is because so often, one or both of the Ss in a MR stop trying. I think that is why so many more Ws become WAWs than H become WAHs. Men have a tendency to just let a R languish. As long as there is active fighting and yelling, then men can get complacent as Hs. As long as a W is working at the MR then it can survive. But the minute a W gives up on the MR, she is ready to move on (in a lot of cases, not in all obviously), and the MR is in real trouble when the W gives up.
So I stay "on" in order to continue to become a better person, a better husband, and a better father. I post here because doing so helps me continue to cement my changes. One of the things we don't talk about a lot on this particular board is the work you should be doing in Ring and piecing. I try to bring it up because I honestly do not think LBS get it. I still think a majority of them think "I get through this and things can go back to normal". As LH and I discussed a few posts back, that is the best way to end up in another BD. And in fact, that is what I lived. After BD 2005 I did just enough to get us back to "normal" and 12 years later I got BD #2 for it.
Unfortunately, BDs are like diseases. If you've ever known anyone that has fought a disease then you know that a recurrence of that disease is usually worst than the first go around. And the same is true with recurrence of sitches. In my first sitch my W immediately said she didn't want a D. In the second sitch she immediately said she wanted a D. I wouldn't doubt that if we ever had BD#3 she would immediately go file for a D. Recurrences are not uncommon because we LBSs don't continue to put in the work. And when we get a BD#2 is it usually way worse than the first.
So I stay on because to not stay on would mean I am no longer doing the work. And that would mean BD#3, which the likelihood of recovering from would be low. My W, for her part, has been willing, herself, to put the work in. Much like she did post BD#1, for the majority of the 12 years after. Most of the MR books I read post BD#2 were books she had bought and read in the 12 years since BD#1. It took her about 3 months to get back on board following BD#2, but once she did she was working at it, and continues to work at it.
Anyway, you probably didn't expect such a long post in response, but I thought it was important to get these thoughts out. Thanks again.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
