Haven’t you talked the marriage and SSM to death already? What he really means is “You’re not letting me blame you anymore for my affair”. Your H’s emotional abuse is really insidious and difficult to separate from actual facts and that makes it quite scary. He knows your sore spots and has no compulsion pushing them over and over and then saying you made him do it. There’s little difference between “I wouldn’t hit you if you didn’t make me so angry” and “I wouldn’t cheat on you if you weren’t so controlling.”
Please, please, please protect your sore spot. Your H will accuse you of being controlling no matter how reasonable your request. When I asked X to provide his new home address so I knew where my non-verbal baby was spending time with him, he accused me of being controlling. I actually questioned myself! You need a voice of reason and sanity, preferably a lawyer and a psychologist, giving you advice until you are confident enough to trust your motivations. It’s so difficult when you’re in an abusive relationship to do this because they know exactly how to make you doubt your reality.
It’s calculated and it’s abusive. It’s control. To the controlling man, boundaries feel like oppression. He is losing control and he knows it and will fight harder to maintain it. Let him have his flying monkeys - his family and his IC - they are only hearing his story and they are invested in helping him. Be true to your boundaries. If you are not comfortable with him taking the kids away for four weeks, then that’s your position and it’s not up for negotiation. Maybe you need outside permission to implement this boundary? Here, I give you permission
