Trying to Detach

[may22]

Small update-- we talked a little about what I'd written back. He said he feels like I'm giving him an ultimatum, he doesn't understand what changed today (tbh I started to get nervous about the timeline ticking and me not having said what I needed to say about the trip), he feels this is a microcosm of our whole M, me telling him what has to happen and him doing it, if I take this trip away from him he'll never forgive me. (drama.) He is not in contact with her and doesn't plan to be. (ok, buddy.)

I said, I can't blindly trust you. I need something more concrete. And repeated some of what I had written. I don't want to go being worried that you're talking to her. I don't want to go and be worried that you're going to BD on me as soon as we get back. I feel like you're manipulating me to get what you want-- this trip-- and I can't continue to put myself through this. There is simply no point if you can't commit to excising her from our lives completely and permanently.

He said, I can't block her, because she told me in the recent midst of all this that she's been having suicidal thoughts and that she can always reach out to me. (Drama) I said, no. She has other people to rely on for that. It can't be you. If you can't block her, then we shouldn't bother trying. I'm not going into a situation that is set up to fail.

He said, what does blocking her matter? If I want to get back in touch with her, I will be able to. I said, because the last time you "tried" it was all going well until she threw this bomb of moving on. If that hadn't happened, we might be in a really different situation right now. And so the thing I've learned from that experience is it makes no sense to do it if she can still contact you (OMG especially to tell him she is SUICIDAL! WTF! So literally the only reason he's leaving on the table for her to contact him is that she literally can't live without him! And I'm supposed to be okay with that!). So, that is a non-starter for me. And, yes. I get that it doesn't mean that you won't contact her anyway. I don't know why I'm doing this anyway, honestly. It all seems pointless.

He said, I'm choosing to stay in this M because you've illustrated a D scenario that is so awful that I can't put the children through that. (I do't think this is true. Yes, early on I did tell him I would take him to the f-ing cleaners. More recently all I've said is that we will not be friends.) So that is why I'm staying. I said, I don't think that is the case. if we split, you'll be happy again, I will be too. He said you've never said anything to indicate you think that. I said, don't worry about me. I'll be fine. And maybe we should talk more about what D will look like, then. He said, maybe we should.

He said, I love you. There are lots of good things about us. Maybe this trip will be the X location (trip we went on where I had the big breakthrough) for me. (Charm and total BS manipulation up the wazoo.) I said I don't believe that.

He said, I just am not confident that we can work this all out, that we are going to be fine at the other end of this even with her out of the picture. I'm sad about the past. You stole a decade of my sex life from me. I'm not sure I can forgive that. (Yes, he really said that. Drama.)

This is partially out of order, so one thing didn't necessarily lead to another. I felt anger and used it. I was not conciliatory or nice, really. I stood my ground. I feel things may be actually moving, though I'm not sure in which direction and I'm not sure I really care.

All the hotels have 24 hour cancellation and the next two weeks aren't yet booked. So, no huge rush. I said my piece, he has his IC appt tomorrow and I have mine on Wed. We agreed to talk again after those.