Trying to work through something. It's been a hard day for various reasons. Seems to be the culmination of this wave of grief, where I spent the afternoon feeling the pain I used to feel every day after BD, that super fresh feeling of disbelief that everything is over just like that, and missing H. may, I have been thinking about what bttrfly said as well: keep doing the things that bring me peace. So I garden and listen to guided meditations and talk to my dear friend who was my maid of honor and knew H. She has been so supportive this year. But today it was like I traveled back in time to last summer and nothing would help. Luckily H was gone most of the day, so I cried to my mom on the phone for a while. I feel like I should be in a place a year later where I am totally accepting that M is over, D is just a formality at this point, and I think I am there a lot of the time, but then—it's true, the feelings are in the forcefield, within me—all this stuff rises up, reminding me that deep down the feelings are still there: I don't want D and am still grieving so hard, and D feels like a whole new round of grief, even if it shouldn't mean anything different.
It's like... something or other occasionally reminds me that I still haven't managed to fully quash expectations. Like I just hid them somewhere I don't often look instead. What's the point in hoping we don't D when it's not like H is using this time to reconsider or work on himself? Shouldn't I be ready for this next phase by now, especially if I suspect H needs to travel that path in order to get anywhere in his own journey? It has seemed inevitable for a while, why delay it?
I'm just still so... sad about the way things are, even if I can have more joyful days and moments. The word "sad" seems incredibly inadequate. Underneath there's this bottomless well of grief and longing to have my M back. It's painful to have these good memories of us right now. I have to trust DnJ and others who are further along are right, that they won't be so painful with time. Today, I just sort of wish I didn't have these memories. I should be thankful I don't wake up and feel it every day like I used to... but when I do feel it, it's just as strong.
I'm having trouble putting into words why today's wave felt different. I think I sound like a broken record. Maybe it was another step in acknowledging what I've lost, in facing it. Part of me still doesn't want to face it, so it feels like fresh grief. I had the same feelings I had a few weeks ago: that because I broke up with H in college, we dated other people, then a year later he admitted he'd been running from his feelings, trying to stay busy and use distractions to cover them up (and we got back together)—that in part because of this, I am hopeful there is a different future with H; that I can't believe I will never see the H I knew again; that I both feel like I will always believe in our love, always hope, and also fear that I will always hope. That I will always be longing for what we had, for the life I lived with H and a version of it where we evolved.
Originally Posted by DnJ
We let go. We grab back on. We let go again.
It’s ok. It’s normal.
We do find acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness. And those loving longing feelings never completely go away. We just accept them.
The grief makes less and less appearances for briefer and briefer times as we progress. I don’t believe it ever completely goes away - for we loved/love that person. It’s ok to miss them and the relationship you had.
I guess I'm just still experiencing this. Letting go, grabbing back on again. Of course I cried at "Gravity," D. Grieving. It's hard. It's exhausting. It sometimes feels like a full-time job. Letting go. I don't think I can consciously do it or hurry it up. I think I have to trust that I am trying and that it will happen on its own.
I know I am feeling disappointed to still have all of these strong feelings for H, for M, to find myself wishing. I know it's not helpful to criticize myself for not being any other way in the present. I want so much to let go of all expectations for H, for the future. I also want to much to have a future with old H or future H. Opposing forces. Maybe what I really need to focus on is letting go of expectations for myself, for what I want or don't want and whether or not that lines up with what I "should" want. I've worked so hard on finding compassion for H. Maybe it's time to really work on allowing myself to feel what I feel, instead of working so hard to resist it. That is hard when I am afraid of what I feel, or when what I feel happens to be the bottomless well of sadness.
