I love reading about all the baking and cooking you are doing. Well done!
mmmmm. Peach crisp. I’m on my way!
Originally Posted by cardinal
I think I just try to not think about this or ignore it most of the time, but it does still get to me that he can mute any emotions he might have. It feels like I am living with someone who is numb, while I feel all the feelings even when I'd rather not. I know this numbness also goes along with depression sometimes, and maybe part of it is compartmentalization and maybe part of it is depression. I can’t know.
You cannot know exactly what is going on in his head. He doesn’t even know.
Remember his path is emotionally driven. His emotions are cranked to 11. His depression is ever present and his temporary ignoring or muting his emotions is how he attempts to function.
Make no mistake, his muting is a temporary measure. MLCer’s demons come out to torment when the crisis person slows their emotional running.
**** MLCer,
At night, in the still darkness, when the world is asleep. When the bars are closed, and the theatres are closed. When the stores are closed. When your friends aren’t available. When the drugs and alcohol no longer numb, I am here. You cannot hide. You will run and you will tire. And I am still here. You cannot outrun me, for I am within you. I am ceaseless and relentless.
I am The Darkness Within. ****
H is trying to hold all that at bay. It’s a huge emotional dam that has burst. MLCers spend a good deal of time in denial and anger. And anger turned inward is depression.
Originally Posted by cardinal
I just felt a lot of sadness about it, then was not okay with the fact that I still have all of this sadness and reluctance in me. Like most of the time when I don't feel it, I think--maybe it's gone! I'm not loving that it can just resurface. I realized I had this expectation that it would go away completely. When someone dies, though, that grief never fully leaves, does it? It just changes shape and maybe sharpness.
We let go. We grab back on. We let go again.
It’s ok. It’s normal.
We do find acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness. And those loving longing feelings never completely go away. We just accept them.
The grief makes less and less appearances for briefer and briefer times as we progress. I don’t believe it ever completely goes away - for we loved/love that person. It’s ok to miss them and the relationship you had.
The shape and sharpness of grief does change. Becomes something different, something more. Acceptance turns it to a memory. A pleasant almost daydream stroll down memory lane. My heart still has an interesting flutter when I recall my marriage and W (not XW). I get a smile and a wee pour of happy feelings; nothing overwhelming, just an almost daydream-like somewhat fleeting experience. It is similar for my long dead Grandma, Grandpa, Aunts, Uncles, past beloved pets, etc.
In my opinion, you are on the correct path and have captured the progress towards acceptance perfectly. The mixture of expectations, letting go, the sadness, the joy, the doubt of if you should be happy and accept the end.
Originally Posted by cardinal
I feel like I have developed a force field that mostly works, but it fritzes out or loses its power at unexpected times (maybe I need DnJ to repair—ha!), and then I’m like, where did my force field go? I’m suddenly vulnerable and all these feelings come rushing in.
It sounds like your force field is working fine. I do like to repair, but no need to fix what ain’t broke.
Those rushing feelings, don’t rushing in - they rush up. Rush up from within. The force field is indifference to our emotions. It’s suppose to lower and then go back up. You are doing fine.
Treat yourself with compassion; for it’s a very good road to walk, and you are most assuredly worthy of it.
With all the references to mini black holes, the pull of gravity, force fields and such. Have a listen to this:
