So, I feel like I need to do the same thing with the self-pity channel. The charm channel... that's kind of his default and I can't say I hate it. But the self-pity and self-absorbed channels, whining about AP, blaming me and the SSM, refusing to take responsibility-- that I can turn off. I feel I've been much less responsive in the last couple of weeks than ever before. I just need to turn it up a notch and be more consistent. (I used to be an animal trainer so I actually should be better at this than I am.)
This is easier for me than it is for you, in that H doesn't have much of a charm channel... (lol) and I think if he did, I'd be ensnared so much more as of course it is natural to want affection, attention, praise, care and validation from your spouse - these are not pathological needs, they are good ones, and it is very hard to have them met intermittently (you will know if you know about animal training that intermittent reinforcement is the most powerful way to inspire addiction and also to shape behaviour... these days, if my H is in a kind mood or nice to me, I enjoy it, accept with gratitude, and don't let it change decisions I've made calmly and for my own good.
I think you're still controlled by what you imagine his response is going to be - you don't want to express your needs in case he feels controlled. You shouldn't control him, but expressing your needs without making a demand is not controlling. Personally I don't think there's any point expressing your needs to a partner you are not in a committed relationship with though.
