But is there a self-protecting side of you that is unwilling to meet H somewhere closer to his side of the story?
Hi Sage, thanks for your message. I THINK this is the heart of it, and I will try to answer, but if you think I am misunderstanding you, please leap in and correct.
My H's story is that I was needy, overdependent and during my PND and after his EA I treated him terribly. He said he felt like his only role in life was to manage my emotions. He's absolutely right on this. He doesn't really admit to abusive behaviour, but he will say this state of affairs, caused by me, got him so angry and in his anger he wasn't really responsible for what he was doing, I was, because I was the person who had made him angry. So I meet him 100% on his side of the story about my behaviour, and I don't doubt his abuse came from anger, but I don't take responsibility for that, only for continuing to allow it for so long.
I've changed all those behaviours that triggered his anger and I also no longer accept his abuse, which isn't really in the face of emotional neediness any more, but just me having some kind of mind of my own, gently disagreeing, or him just being sullen and drunk and wanting a punch bag. I don't allow it any more.
I know what you mean about pendulums, but isn't that what a 180 is?
I'm not cold or invulnerable. I have close friends, a much much closer relationships with both of my kids, a faith community etc. I don't broadcast my business, but I have a few friends I can speak to about what is going on with me, share fears and sadness, get comfort and suggestions and validations.
H is more or less an empty cupboard. It isn't that he can't comfort in distress, or validate anger (I get how that could be difficult for him and triggering of old, unhealthy situations) but he can't even smile when I have good news.
If I am missing your point or you have some suggestions for me, let me know. I am not totally sure what you mean by moving closer to his story - I do share his story about my part in the past - he doesn't have a story about his own part in the past because he is apparently not responsible for his behaviour or reactions - and in the present, I have no idea what he thinks is going on between us. Now and again he says all I do is argue with him and criticise him, and by that he means that now and again I have my own perspectives on how to raise our children or live our lives, and he isn't available for discussion or compromise. I think he presents me with two choices: ignore him and get on with my own life as I see fit, or obey him with a smile on my face, anticipating everything he needs but refuses to express as a need. I've tried the second and I hate it so I am going with the first and finding happiness there.
