A weeklong escape by the sea sounds dreamy, good for you for making it happen for you and the kids. Space could be exactly what your situation needs right now. Nothing like long evening strolls to clear your mind and bring you back to the root of your heart’a needs and desires.
Reading your posts, I see such a strong, determined, analytical and wise person speaking her truth. But I am going to play devils’ advocate for a minute, take it or leave it (but love me nonetheless as it is all with good intention). You have come so far from the person who would play the game of weepy wife manipulating H to get the emotional attention you want and need (I don’t see it as such myself, but you have mentioned something like this in your posts over the months). Something that I am always working on myself is trying to be aware of the pendulum swing. For example, I have a loving, strong mother who due to my adoring Dad’s work schedule, was often left for weeks alone with us kids. She was good at boundaries and knew that she needed alone time, space and to execute her own free will when she could. Which ended up looking somewhat like abandonment when she would travel or take time for her own self-care. I stepped into her shoes (as the oldest of four kids) and often took on the role of ‘caretaker’ to my dad and siblings when she was gone (and mind you, she didn’t leave us all that often, but enough). So for me, showing love is taking care of other people in the absence of a primary caretaker. I won the love game because she was grateful and my siblings and father were grateful. But what that turned into as I became a wife and mother is that I am the caretaker (recipient of ALL the love and gratitude) and didn’t know how to take care of myself (and we all know how that story ends up...). So the pendulum swing from my ‘good at self-care mama’ to me is that we have taken opposite approaches. And neither are completely healthy.
So my challenge is this: is your current space a result of an extreme pendulum swing (I need H to SEE me and my emotions for validation -> he’s unhealthy and our relationship is as well -> I need to be the opposite of what I have been in our relationship?). This could be a major over-simplification on my part, and I know that abuse is a thing with H, so I am not suggesting that you back down from your boundaries. But is there a self-protecting side of you that is unwilling to meet H somewhere closer to his side of the story? Not even the middle, per se, but a few feet? And again, all I know is what you share, So you may be reaching out or finding common ground IRL and it’s not meeting your needs so you know the answer to this already. In which case, keep doing what you are doing because whatever it is, you sound strong and amazing. And at the end of the day, only you know what you need to do to save YOU.
And of course, this is all in the light of saving something (a M) that you may or may not be willing to sacrifice yourself for. That it really is in your court to decide if his efforts are good enough. So again, take this or leave this train of thought of mine.
