We engaged a builder to install a pergola shortly before X left. Or rather I did the legwork to contact him, get drawings and quotes, arrange certificates and building approvals, while X seemed happy enough to go along with it. The guy we hired turned out to be a bit dodgy and the job itself took forever and was a bit sloppy. Not unsound, but not perfect. It's complete now and given that it's on my property, I'm happy with it. It created a shady tiled patio area with built-in lighting for evening ambience. It really is very nice.
During his anger spewing phase, X brought this project up a disproportionate number of times. He rewrote history saying he never wanted to build it in the first place, he hated the builder I chose, I forced him into agreeing to spend money on the project, and that it had dragged down the value of the house. Although later, when negotiating the settlement, he claimed that the value of the house had INCREASED by $100k based on the pergola and landscaping projects we had done. Of course, a higher property value would have been in his favour
He seemed incredibly triggered by the poor workmanship. He couldn't accept that things sometimes go wrong with building projects and that fixes are par for the course. It's almost like he thought the quality of the build was a reflection of him. I believe now that it conflicted with his worldview that he is better, smarter, and more accomplished than everyone else. It also confirmed in his eyes that I am simultaneously incapable (because I hired a dodgy builder) and controlling (because the project was my idea).
On the topic of finances. He insisted we follow the FIRE money management philosophy to save while I was on maternity leave. I was given a small weekly allowance. If we went out to eat, it came out of my allowance. If I spent my allowance, I could not spend more. If I spent more anyway, it was curtailed the following month. He put himself on the same plan, but there were always exceptions. Long weekend camping trips with the boys. $1000 on 'the world's best' set of stainless steel pots and pans. An $800 custom-made suit for his friends wedding. Meanwhile I had to repay $800 from my personal account back into the family account for a family photoshoot with S2.
He would never agree to replace the tiny secondhand dining table we inherited from his parents despite it being the number one thing I wanted when we moved into our brand new house five years ago. That dining table represented the heart of the home and the family I wanted to create. It was of zero importance to X. When he moved out and took that cr@ppy little glass table with its ugly blue vinyl chairs, my lovely new custom timber dining table wasn't yet ready for collection. I asked him to leave the table with me for a couple of weeks so that S2 could have somewhere to eat his meals. He said it wasn't his problem.
He spent $2k on his 'dream wheels' for his car which I had no problem with. Then, just months later, he found his 'no, no, seriously this time, actual dream wheels' and wanted to spend $4k on them. He raged and sulked in a very unattractive manner when I said I wasn't comfortable with spending that amount of money, from the family account, while I was on minimum maternity leave wage, when he had just purchased new wheels. You would have thought I was Hitler by the reaction I got.
Meanwhile I was using a literal grocery bag as a handbag when I went back to work because I couldn't afford a new one. I was unable to spend money on new clothes to suit my postnatal body, makeup to hide my tired eyes, hairdressers to fix the weird new hair growth that happens after giving birth (seriously, what is up with that?) and X had the nerve to say I hadn't bothered to take care of myself and that he had too much disgust and contempt for me to stay married. God, what a duck he is (thanks Cardinal!).
To be honest, I still struggle with the effects of his financial abuse. I find it incredibly difficult to allow myself to spend money on things that are just for me. I needed to buy a new bedroom setting so I can move my current seven-year old IKEA cheapie set into the spare room. Even though I needed it and got an amazing deal in the EOFY sales, I still felt guilty enough to call my mother and ask permission to spend my own money. She reassured me that it was okay and I bought it. But there's always fear/guilt around making purchases like that.
This turned into a bit of a rant down memory lane! Honestly, it's pretty telling that despite buying him out of the house, spending over $10k on lawyer fees, paying the mortgage and bills on my own, and refurnishing the house, I've SAVED money this year.
