Ending Limbo

[Core]

Everyone here is telling you not to have an R chat right now.

You still want to have one.

I did what you did for 6 months. Then I stopped because it was just causing me extra pain for nothing. That's what it will do for you.

I am no longer willing to talk about the R. I am no longer willing to discuss something that will cause me pain for no reason. If W decides to come back and initiates that R talk, that would be different. But it's not the case right now. Neither is it for you.

Good luck, man. I'm sorry for all the pain you will experience.

Take care - stay strong.

I get where you and most of the others are coming from IW. In regards to an R chat, I can avoid it to save myself pain, or I can have the R chat, facing the pain and avoiding guilt and regret. I've been hurt so many times already, what's a little more pain versus having the regrets of not having one last conversation before filing?

All, I think we have to be true to ourselves and thats what I'd be doing. Part of my identity. Who I am as a person. If it pushes her away, thats probably a good thing. I do not see how she can possible fix the damage she's done in her lifetime unless me, my very few contacts, whomever W has told and my IC all bumped our heads, got amnesia and all forgot what happened here. How could I ever remotely trust her again? How could I gaze in her eyes and experience joy or love? I've learned too much about D, attachment theory, cluster Bs, true nature of WWs to make peace. So many red flags, I feel like I'm in Beijing. I was naive. I'll miss being so but glad I no longer am. Every word she speaks I now know theres a hidden goal and meaning. Especially as she often accused me of such even though I was direct. Its projecting. W has been spending and drinking a lot more as well. This is money we need for lawyers and kids college, not a giant outdoor playset. Talking money is inches from an R chat and will likely go there. We agreed to a budget which she's exceeding.

I get the pro marriage takes here. Im wondering, what benefit is there to me to not D right now? I understand my kids may be better off in this mess versus a D but what about me?

No physical or emotional needs met. She spends about 80% of our free income. I'm at risk of false allegations. I'm passively targeted with aggression often. We agree on almost nothing lately especially kids and finances.

Why fight, so my kids can see what a broken man looks like going to an early grave? There is no doubt even the most stoic man would still face stress from bleeding finances, dismal communication, separation from his goals and frequent passive aggression. I want to live long for my kids, this situation is counter to that. It's stressful no matter how you cut it. D will be more financially stressful but I'd have a clean house which I control, minimal spending, vacations and parenting the way I like, ability to achieve my dreams, ability to love someone who reciprocates or at least enjoy short term fun.

I no longer see any reason to stand, not even for the kids. They'd be hurt more if I passed in my early 40s of a heart attack and they had no biological dad around.