I think I will have to work a couple of hours each day - I am an early riser and my kids are not, so hopefully I can get that done and dusted before 10am then we can have the rest of the day together - though I suspect they will want some loaf / telly time around our walks too, so there will be time for me to check in.
I hope you can make a transformation too. I hope my transformation carries on, and sticks.
It strikes me that I am not really piecing, and I am not DBing either. I am just acting as if I have the life I want. Which means whenever H offers me something that isn't to my liking - the blame, the sulking, the ranting, the immaturity, I just make a quiet and peaceful 'no' (not even verbally, most of the time) and go towards what I actually do want.
Whether that drives us entirely apart or whether he gets it and starts acting in ways that are compatible with a relationship with me is entirely up to him. I don't feel afraid of either eventuality right now. What is more awful is me having to act in ways that don't sit well with me just to earn or win his good behaviour.
What I am also doing is being as honest with myself as possible and no denial or excuse making at all. First I had to stop doing it for my H and stop considering his work stress, childhood issues, etc etc as adequate reasons for ME (not him, but me) choosing to absorb behaviour that was not okay. Then I had to do precisely the same thing for myself: no excuses, no playing the victim. It's easier to be sad and moan about it then it is to accept that what I want from H is not on offer and make decisions for myself based on that truth.
It also helps to know - as I have been told here - that both piecing, letting go of the rope, detaching and ending the relationships are more processes that happen in my head, and the sum total of lots of little tiny actions rather than one big R talk or grand gesture of romance or angry outburst.
The separation or the coming back together or visits to the lawyers or sleeping elsewhere aren't irrevocable decisions. I am not saying 'no, never ever,' I am saying, 'what you are offering today is not what I want so I am going to go towards what makes me happy' and I will keep saying that every single day in small ways. Perhaps that means I will change direction, or he will, or we will come apart. I don't know and that isn't in my control. I don't even think in our circumstances, which are financially stable, a D would make that much difference. A D ends the legal entanglement, but not the relationship, after all. Even NC doesn't really end the relationship.
After all, there are plenty of people who are D'd and have been for years and are still in toxic relationships either with their former spouses, or with the memory of the relationship. I won't be in that place in the future and I won't be in it now. I wish my H well and I hope he manages to work out a way of being in relationship with me that works for him, but I don't accept what is on offer now and I won't help out with his feelings related to that. What has really helped - and took a very long time in coming - is taking total, radical responsibility for the state of my marriage. I wasn't responsible for one tiny shred of his behaviour. But I was 100% responsible - and still am - for choosing to sign up to it. I needed to really look at the reasons for my willingness to be abused, emotionally neglected, blamed and demonised - what was I getting out of that and how did it serve me? - before I could move towards better choices.
It takes AGES. I am still not where I want to be. But I am happy today.
